Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Hi all, I'm not really much of an emotional person in fact I've been in many situations in the past where I've seen things others would struggle with (the deceased). I've also lost a few friends of mine too early due to various reasons, and generally speaking I don't get physically emotional - never really have done, not even as a child. Of course It's affected me but I am good at either blanking it out or just remembering the good times. Well, tomorrow marks the 5th anniversary of the death of one of my best mates in a bike crash (I was there), and each year it's gotten easier... But this year feels different and I've suddenly started to get more emotional at odd things on the run up to this date and I had my iphone music on shuffle today during the day in the office and a song came on that we listened to a lot when on a road trip to buying my new boat and it left me really feeling rather iffy and with a big lump in my throat and I feel fairly emotionally delicate tonight. My question and point is that I feel that after 5 years it feels like suddenly all the grief has caught up with me at once - is this unusual or wrong? Has anyone else experienced anything like this before? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LondonLuke Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 I feel for you and can add only my thoughts being with you Someone once said to me you never get over someone dying, you just slowly get used to it. It stuck with me as a fair outlook on people passing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul sullivan Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 it gets better, an yes it catches up we lost our daughter 4yrs ago an it gradually eased an got better but every now an then it comes back sometimes just have to go n hide n shed a tear never wrong an there never gone while you remember them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmr Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 lost my son 25yrs ago and my grandaughter 5 yrs ago.believe me it doesent get any easier with time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 I feel for you and can add only my thoughts being with you Someone once said to me you never get over someone dying, you just slowly get used to it. It stuck with me as a fair outlook on people passing. That's an interesting way if thinking and I agree, it's true I feel - thanks for your input I'll think on that :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkfanz Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 many years ago a biker mate got killed in the pit an we played its all over now baby blue[by bob Dylan]at the graveside for many years after I just couldn,t listen that songeven though Dylan is a favourite of mine,,and my wife died 11 years ago she was my fishing buddy used to go out to sea in my seahog hunter,and I still get tearfull some days even now,dont think it ever goes away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 it gets better, an yes it catches up we lost our daughter 4yrs ago an it gradually eased an got better but every now an then it comes back sometimes just have to go n hide n shed a tear never wrong an there never gone while you remember them Sorry for your loss, that's horrible for you :-(, thanks for your input - I think I am in need of 'letting it all out' sometimes but with my up bringing with my dad I'd never really allowed myself to be seen as emotional lost my son 25yrs ago and my grandaughter 5 yrs ago.believe me it doesent get any easier with time.Sorry for your loss HMR, I hope that one day your pain eases - there's some good comments on here so far and they are insightful in knowing we aren't all alone many years ago a biker mate got killed in the pit an we played its all over now baby blue[by bob Dylan]at the graveside for many years after I just couldn,t listen that songeven though Dylan is a favourite of mine,,and my wife died 11 years ago she was my fishing buddy used to go out to sea in my seahog hunter,and I still get tearfull some days even now,dont think it ever goes away. Thanks for the comment, I agree there's something about a song that helps you relate to people sometimes - I can't hear 'every rose has its thorn - poison' without feeling down nowadays. Perhaps when I pass on I'll request no songs to be played. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mel b3 Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 From my own bitter experience, it never gets better, you just get better at hiding it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grrclark Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 It's really not unusual at all and certainly not wrong, grief is an intensely personal emotion and we all feel it in a different way. There is nothing wrong with feeling upset at the passing of a friend even after a period of time and there is nothing wrong with a bloke getting a big lump in his throat and feeling emotionally delicate either. Go with your emotions and if you need to talk it out to help you come to terms that is fine, if it means that you want to sit and contemplate and be alone with your thoughts, that is fine too. Do what is right for you. Sometimes we let our conscious thought over rule our base emotions by thinking about how we should feel, rather than just letting those feelings come naturally. You will be fine, you will get through this emotional period and find some balance again, but just now if you need to let the emotion out then don't be afraid to let that happen. The memory of your mate is powerful and even after 5 years you care an awful lot, that says a lot of good things about you as a person and that is nothing to worry about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 I tried talking about my sisters funeral a few weeks back to my mrs and I can't do it . It's been 17years and I still can't talk about the bit where the vicar walks out the church leading the way to the grave side . It hurts my chest. Some days I could cry over a programme /tv and others I just laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shooterluke Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Sorry to hear all your stories on this topic atb luke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old farrier Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Hi It showes you cared Perfectly normal for memories to come back its only your mate reminding you he's still with you And watching over Reminding you to live your life for him as well All the best If Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 From my own bitter experience, it never gets better, you just get better at hiding it. I think you are right there. Hope your pain eases :-) It's really not unusual at all and certainly not wrong, grief is an intensely personal emotion and we all feel it in a different way. There is nothing wrong with feeling upset at the passing of a friend even after a period of time and there is nothing wrong with a bloke getting a big lump in his throat and feeling emotionally delicate either. Go with your emotions and if you need to talk it out to help you come to terms that is fine, if it means that you want to sit and contemplate and be alone with your thoughts, that is fine too. Do what is right for you. Sometimes we let our conscious thought over rule our base emotions by thinking about how we should feel, rather than just letting those feelings come naturally. You will be fine, you will get through this emotional period and find some balance again, but just now if you need to let the emotion out then don't be afraid to let that happen. The memory of your mate is powerful and even after 5 years you care an awful lot, that says a lot of good things about you as a person and that is nothing to worry about. That's an interesting post there, lots of food for thought / I agree with a lot of that and hope to take more on board from that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 I went round to my mates widow tonight ( he died 18months ago) and looks like she's got cancer too. He was a great mate and grandad like figure. It really wound me up at the funeral as all they asked is where's his guns going? Who cares . No one visited him in the 18 months he was dying either after 15 years in the club. You'll find you get upset when your low. I think about my sister a lot when I sit around but tell my kids all about her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 I tried talking about my sisters funeral a few weeks back to my mrs and I can't do it . It's been 17years and I still can't talk about the bit where the vicar walks out the church leading the way to the grave side . It hurts my chest. Some days I could cry over a programme /tv and others I just laugh Sorry for your loss, and from what I read on here and agree with, you're caring wont cease which shows what a good bro you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 (edited) I think it very much depends on the circumstances of the death and your relationship to the deceased. I don't know the circumstances of your friends death which you witnessed, but is there the slightest chance you feel responsible in some minor way. I say that because I lost one of my closest friends when I was a teenager, several of us bunked off school in the long hot summer of 76 and went swimming at the local Gravel pit. He got cramp and drowned although he was a strong swimmer. Because I was one of the group I felt in some way responsible... My late Gramp was very philosophical about death, and having fought in both wars he saw his fair share of it.. "The trouble with the dead" he said "is they always tend to hang on to the Living!" Edited April 17, 2015 by Fisherman Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Hi It showes you cared Perfectly normal for memories to come back its only your mate reminding you he's still with you And watching over Reminding you to live your life for him as well All the best If Thanks OF, it certainly showed us we weren't invincible like we thought. All of us there on that day have either quit bikes or certainly learnt to slow down and enjoy the scenery not the speed. He was a great chap and I think he'd be very proud of who he left behind if he could see us now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 am afraid it doesnt get easier but like your emotions it will all depend on the individual. I was in a similar situation and lost a friend in a car accident which i was also involved in. I dont take very well to funerals nowadays due to the raw emotions of the tragic loss. Have you ever thought of councilling? I know its not for evreyone but may help. I still to this day dont think anyone can feel how i feel or think of what happened, even my wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 I think it very much depends on the circumstances of the death and your relationship to the deceased. I don't know the circumstances of your friends death which you witnessed, but is there the slightest chance you feel responsible in some minor way. I say that because I lost one of my closest friends when I was a teenager, several of us bunked off school in the long hot summer of 76 and went swimming at the local Gravel pit. He got cramp and drowned although he was a strong swimmer. Because I was one of the group I felt in some way responsible... My late Gramp was very philosophical about death, and having fought in both wars he saw his fair share of it.. "The trouble with the dead" he said "is they always tend to hang on to the Living!" Interesting you say that FM, I agree - I feel a lot of responsibility from that day, from setting the route to the bravado, to being part of it and for it being him and not me, he had taken less silly chances than us up to then - he had just brought a new bike (his mum had financed it for him) as his old one was in bad shape, he had a lot to go on and had sorted his life out - before we had. Incidentally, at the point he was killed he wasn't speeding nor doing anything wrong, a foreign national with no drivers licence working for a care company with no insurnce turned into a side road accross his path, after us who was a very short distance in front - if we had of been slower or him faster the outcome may have differed. That does of course meddle with ones sense of responsibility. am afraid it doesnt get easier but like your emotions it will all depend on the individual. I was in a similar situation and lost a friend in a car accident which i was also involved in. I dont take very well to funerals nowadays due to the raw emotions of the tragic loss. Have you ever thought of councilling? I know its not for evreyone but may help. I still to this day dont think anyone can feel how i feel or think of what happened, even my wife. I actually to be fair feel so much better after talking on here about it and feeling less silly about being emotional, It's probably one of the only times I've spoken of it since it happened. Sorry for your loss and I hope that your pain eases one day too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suffolkngood Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Certainly not wrong........and nothing to be ashamed of. People grieve in different ways at different times. It's a totally natural and accepted emotional state and we all have different 'coping mechanisms'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
islandgun Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Its been 16 years since my young daughter died can honestly say you dont get over it but it does effect you less, Im more happy now than I've ever been, but still have a few moments once in while having a one sided chat with her, dont worry mate whatever you feel is perfectly normal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jbob Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Hi I lost my mum to cancer about 8yrs ago. She was only 51. My experience with grief has been hard at times. Time cant heal hurt like that but you learn and develop ways of living with the lose. My brother still suffers with depression from it now! The biggest hurt for me now is that she missed my wedding and cant see her grand daughter grow up. Some days i even think shes going to walk in the door and its all been a dream. We all deal with grief differently and its not weird to think about them or get emmotional from time to time. I do, i cant celebrate mothers day anymore and find that day hard to get through. Hope this is some comfort. Atb Jbob Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Certainly not wrong........and nothing to be ashamed of. People grieve in different ways at different times. It's a totally natural and accepted emotional state and we all have different 'coping mechanisms'. Thanks mate, I think my problem is my Colin mechanisms seem to have changed suddenly - ill hopefully readjust soon :-) Its been 16 years since my young daughter died can honestly say you dont get over it but it does effect you less, Im more happy now than I've ever been, but still have a few moments once in while having a one sided chat with her, dont worry mate whatever you feel is perfectly normal Sorry for your loss mate, that's horrible. I couldn't imagine a pain worse than that. Thanks for your input too Hi I lost my mum to cancer about 8yrs ago. She was only 51. My experience with grief has been hard at times. Time cant heal hurt like that but you learn and develop ways of living with the lose. My brother still suffers with depression from it now! The biggest hurt for me now is that she missed my wedding and cant see her grand daughter grow up. Some days i even think shes going to walk in the door and its all been a dream. We all deal with grief differently and its not weird to think about them or get emmotional from time to time. I do, i cant celebrate mothers day anymore and find that day hard to get through. Hope this is some comfort. Atb Jbob You know, I sometimes go to phone my old mate, sometimes I go to ask his advice and realise that he's not there - this seems to happen to a lot considering. I am sorry for your loss, your brother hopefully will get better over time :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grrclark Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 Thanks mate, I think my problem is my Colin mechanisms seem to have changed suddenly - ill hopefully readjust soon :-) That happens and it is a shock to the system especially when you believe that you have been in control of your emotions, truthfully when it comes to the really powerful emotions your subconscious takes over. Don't fight it, just let the emotion out, it will do your soul good. The other way to think about it, if you are an emotional control freak like myself, once you let those deep feelings out and let go of the hurt that is getting you down just now, then the sooner you can get back to being in control. Emotions are a bit like carrying a brickies hod, some times it is ok to set it down and give yourself a wee break from the load, when you're ready pick them up again and stride forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted April 17, 2015 Report Share Posted April 17, 2015 It takes time, some days it hits you other days it doesn't. It gets easier if you remember the person in the good times. I lost my Mum in an accident when I was 11. Was v hard explaining to my toddler on mothers day why I don't have a mum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.