A bit of a Personal One - Advice Please

[ditchman]

well look on the bright side it could have been Rwanda instead of Gana......

[garjo]

Get advice from a solicitor about applying for Deputyship, this is different from power of attorney. You can do some research yourself by looking at the Age Concern website and also the Office of the Public Guardian. In the end it will depend on whether or not she has capacity (mental) to make decisions. 

[discobob]

2 hours ago, garjo said:

Get advice from a solicitor about applying for Deputyship, this is different from power of attorney. You can do some research yourself by looking at the Age Concern website and also the Office of the Public Guardian. In the end it will depend on whether or not she has capacity (mental) to make decisions. 

She has the mental capacity to make decisions - believe it or not she is a case worker for a charitable organisation helping vulnerable people at which she is apparently very good however she is only doing this for her own self image/worth - apparently she has done one of their free wills and has signed everything over to them - but that is another matter as previously she was leaving it to Christies (this is what I have been informed - and she is doing it to spite me because my wife wasn't of her choosing). The trouble is her decisions, when concerning herself/Money/Men, are bad ones. 

Since returning on Sunday, she has cut off her longest remaining friendship because she was concerned about what she (mother) is doing with this guy....

I am now coming to the decision I think that I need to remove myself from her life for my own state of mind as from reading things that members have pointed me to I think that there is a lot of work and cost for little or no success, as my mother is a practiced liar who will be able to run rings round them like she did with the mental health team years ago (she was sectioned for a week - she tells people that I had her sectioned to try and steal her house!!)

I do have an armchair diagnosis for her, never been officially tested, but I think that she is a Narcissist with Sociopathic Tendencies (or vice versa)  and she is quite clearly in a self-destructive cycle

[ditchman]

unless you want to totally empty your bank balance and totally destroy whats left of your life.............to be brutal i think you ought to let it run its coarse.....it sounds she is on a fast way to destruction.......

what a mess

im sure you are not alone...

[Bigbob]

Theres a programme on in the morning and they hook up with older women on dating sights and chat away then a couple of months later they start asking for money everybody can see it coming apart from the old dear , One even travelled to Heathrow twice to meet her Friend who never arrived of course , While theres a presenter who was on coranation street talks to them theres a i t wizard  checking out the data and most of the time its picts they have stolen from the web they use .And they keep going till the old dears sold her house to fund them  . Even after showing them they wont often accept it saying im not that guillable 

Its going to be hard but as she is a adult and got her faculties your going to have to walk away and see what happens 

[old man]

Bob, look after yourself and immediate family first? You will never control your Mother, this bloke and keep your sanity?

[Lloyd90]

Bob, 

 

I have a lot of experience in these matters, although not quite as specific as your mothers situation. 
 

Let’s start off my clearing some things up. 
 

1. you can’t just apply for Lasting Power of Attorney, this is something your mum would have to do and sign to make you her attorney. 
 

You could apply for deputyship but this is a very long drawn out process and a lot of work. You’d have to go to court and your mum may object to you taking on the role. 
 

You can’t take on either of those roles just because you don’t agree with your mums decision making. 
 

AS LONG AS she is a competent adult she has the right to make her own decisions. 
 

 

2. There are a LOT of cases like this and quite simply it’s often a transactional trade. You get an older man or woman with some money and resources, who are quite happy to spend or trade those resources for companionship (and that comes in many forms). 
 

We often see families who hardly spend time with the elderly relatives; then something like this happens and they get very concerned about the relatives cash or house. I’m not saying this is you, but it’s a common theme. 

If your mum decides to get married and give her house away to some Ghanaian bloke she met on the internet, quite simply that is her decision IF SHE IS COMPETENT. 
 

 

 

3. As we have noted on both the above, your mothers competence (mental capacity) and ability to make these sorts of decisions is a key factor. 
 

You mentioned your mother has been detained (not sectioned) under the Mental Health Act in the past? 
 

What was that for?

Does your mum have a certified mental disorder? 

What part of the MHA was she detained under? S2 or S3? 
 

Also this is an uncomfortable question to ask, but I think it’s quite key to give us insight into your mothers state of mind.
 

When you say in the pictures it appears your mother is “playing” on with her companion, I assume you mean she sent you (her son) pictures of a sexual nature? 
 

As a professional who assessed people they sort of behaviour would cause great concern about her state or mind. 
 

 

If you answer the above I can give you some real advise that may help. 
 

Tearing up your mothers passport or any other drastic action is very likely for her to cut you out and make things a lot harder. 

[discobob]

29 minutes ago, ditchman said:

he is on a fast way to destruction.......

and guess who she will come screaming and crying to when it does.....

 

14 minutes ago, Bigbob said:

Theres a programme on in the morning and they hook up with older women on dating

I know - she thinks she is too clever!!!! Just like the ones on the program

7 minutes ago, old man said:

Bob, look after yourself and immediate family first? You will never control your Mother, this bloke and keep your sanity?

That is what I feel I will have to do 😞 despite all her shortcomings - it is terrible as she is my Mother....

 

[Mungler]

1 hour ago, discobob said:

I do have an armchair diagnosis for her, never been officially tested, but I think that she is a Narcissist with Sociopathic Tendencies (or vice versa)  and she is quite clearly in a self-destructive cycle

 

That's where I had got to too.

Don't torture yourself - focus on you and your family.

Chop her out. It will be a weight off your shoulders - your gain and her loss and all that.

[old man]

Just now, Mungler said:

 

That's where I had got to too.

Don't torture yourself - focus on you and your family.

Chop her out. It will be a weight off your shoulders - your gain and her loss and all that.

Yep, won't help your immediate family if you go do lally tap and she won't give a fig?

[Mungler]

12 minutes ago, discobob said:

That is what I feel I will have to do 😞 despite all her shortcomings - it is terrible as she is my Mother....

Questions : Was she a good mother? Did you have a happy childhood? Has she been a supportive and positive influence in your life? All the way through to the brutal "what are you going to get out of the relationship when you do the what you put in vs. what you get out, weigh up?"

I never got the whole poking up with someone utterly poisonous or destructive because of some biological faint.

.

Edited October 12, 2022 by Mungler

[discobob]

3 minutes ago, Lloyd90 said:

Bob, 

 

I have a lot of experience in these matters, although not quite as specific as your mothers situation. 
 

Let’s start off my clearing some things up. 
 

1. you can’t just apply for Lasting Power of Attorney, this is something your mum would have to do and sign to make you her attorney. 
 

You could apply for deputyship but this is a very long drawn out process and a lot of work. You’d have to go to court and your mum may object to you taking on the role. 
 

You can’t take on either of those roles just because you don’t agree with your mums decision making. 
 

AS LONG AS she is a competent adult she has the right to make her own decisions. That is the conclusion that I have come to

 

2. There are a LOT of cases like this and quite simply it’s often a transactional trade. You get an older man or woman with some money and resources, who are quite happy to spend or trade those resources for companionship (and that comes in many forms). I get that - would be better if it was a male escort in this country whereas she is professing love to this Ghanaian that is younger than some of her grandchildren (none of whom, or their parents are in contact with Mother)
 

We often see families who hardly spend time with the elderly relatives; then something like this happens and they get very concerned about the relatives cash or house. I’m not saying this is you, but it’s a common theme. 

If your mum decides to get married and give her house away to some Ghanaian bloke she met on the internet, quite simply that is her decision IF SHE IS COMPETENT. 
 

 

 

3. As we have noted on both the above, your mothers competence (mental capacity) and ability to make these sorts of decisions is a key factor. 
 

You mentioned your mother has been detained (not sectioned) under the Mental Health Act in the past? 
 

What was that for? She was threatening Suicide after the death of my Step-Dad from Pancreatic Cancer - before he went they was saying that they had a pact. She was under the care of the Mental Health Team (multiple visits daily), and then ended up with a Weekly councillor for a number of years

Does your mum have a certified mental disorder? All I know is she was released after a week

What part of the MHA was she detained under? S2 or S3? Section 2
 

Also this is an uncomfortable question to ask, but I think it’s quite key to give us insight into your mothers state of mind.
 

When you say in the pictures it appears your mother is “playing” on with her companion, I assume you mean she sent you (her son) pictures of a sexual nature? There was "something" that was uncomfortable
 

As a professional who assessed people they sort of behaviour would cause great concern about her state or mind. 
 

 

If you answer the above I can give you some real advise that may help. 
 

Tearing up your mothers passport or any other drastic action is very likely for her to cut you out and make things a lot harder. 

Hi Lloyd, answers in Blue above

Thanks for the offer 👍

[discobob]

20 minutes ago, Mungler said:

 

That's where I had got to too.

Don't torture yourself - focus on you and your family.

Chop her out. It will be a weight off your shoulders - your gain and her loss and all that.

👍

 

18 minutes ago, old man said:

Yep, won't help your immediate family if you go do lally tap and she won't give a fig?

She won't, As I said, 9 years ago, almost to the day, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown with her, I ended up losing the job I was on -she didn't give tap - that has cost us potentially tens, if not hundreds of thousands.....

 

18 minutes ago, Mungler said:

Questions : Was she a good mother? Did you have a happy childhood? Has she been a supportive and positive influence in your life? All the way through to the brutal "what are you going to get out of the relationship when you do the what you put in vs. what you get out, weigh up?"

I never got the whole poking up with someone utterly poisonous or destructive because of some biological faint.

.

TBH I was a bit of a latchkey kid - I was never without (except care) but I was lucky in that I had fantastic Grandparents on my Dad's side who I owe who I am now to. Whereas my Dad ended up as a long term psychiatric patient after being married to my Mum (Rainhill Hospital - if you know you know) after she had an affair with my later to be step dad whose daughter was having music lessons from my Dad - but I will be fair and say that my Dad did have problems from teenage years. I was weaponised a couple of times where my Mother would use access to me as a controlling element

I had a Half Brother (older than me), from a previous relationship to my Dad - that my Mum abandoned for chasing my Dad (for the time my Grandparents were not wealthy but weren't poor - they gave my Mum and Dad a terraced house) - he was taken into care, but then he ended up being brought up by my mums parents. He died last year after a bit of a bad life of crime and drugs (that is another malarky). I thought he was my uncle until I was around 10

My mother has always held me up against everyone else - and always seemed to find me lacking.....

[Lloyd90]

1 hour ago, discobob said:

Hi Lloyd, answers in Blue above

Thanks for the offer 👍

Based off the answers you have given I think it is unlikely that your mother is mentally disordered, and is more likely acting very unwisely, although I have not seen her in person myself.
 

It specifically states in the mental capacity act people have a right to make unwise decisions as much as we may not like it. 

 

What you could do Bob, is report your concerns to adult social services in your area, they should have an adult safeguarding team, and the police safeguarding team, who will likely have experience in specific cases like this, at the least I would expect them to try and assess your mums capacity to ensure she is making an active choice to pursue this relationship. 
 

 

If your mum has no cognitive impairment or mental disorder that are impacting her decision making, then it may be that pursuing this relationship is her choice and she knows what she is doing.
 

If that is the case then there’s nothing anyway can do and to be blunt it’s no one’s business but her own. 
 

If she does have something going on effecting her decision making then you’ve spoken to the right people. 
 

You could also report your concern to her GP and your local Mental Health Crisis Team. 
 

 

Best of luck, it’s not a good situation at all. 

[discobob]

@Lloyd90 One thing that putting this down in this thread has convinced me is that she is beyond help and really beyond anything I can do - Mental? No - Stupid and Mad - yes

I will be shortly kicking in a course of action where I will inform her that I will not be having anything more to do with her, blocking her numbers and also possibly taking out an injunction.

She has had major life changing impact on me and my family over the years and I am not prepared to risk this again.

Thanks everyone for the input - it has really helped me crystalise my mind 👍

[harrycatcat1]

Just now, discobob said:

@Lloyd90 One thing that putting this down in this thread has convinced me is that she is beyond help and really beyond anything I can do - Mental? No - Stupid and Mad - yes

I will be shortly kicking in a course of action where I will inform her that I will not be having anything more to do with her, blocking her numbers and also possibly taking out an injunction.

She has had major life changing impact on me and my family over the years and I am not prepared to risk this again.

Thanks everyone for the input - it has really helped me crystalise my mind 👍

Good luck whatever you choose to do 👍👍👍

[Agriv8]

2 hours ago, discobob said:

@Lloyd90 One thing that putting this down in this thread has convinced me is that she is beyond help and really beyond anything I can do - Mental? No - Stupid and Mad - yes

I will be shortly kicking in a course of action where I will inform her that I will not be having anything more to do with her, blocking her numbers and also possibly taking out an injunction.

She has had major life changing impact on me and my family over the years and I am not prepared to risk this again.

Thanks everyone for the input - it has really helped me crystalise my mind 👍

DiscoBob it sound like you have come to the decision that your gut has been pulling you towards for a while ! 

Hard as these things are - you can’t change the past you can only change the future. Reading between the lines you know that you need to put yourself and your kids first no ifs no buts !?!?

Good luck but hopefully your first step will be the hardest.

Back to a lighter note - please please can you let me know where to send the mother in law with a one way ticket !?!

[discobob]

2 hours ago, Agriv8 said:

Back to a lighter note - please please can you let me know where to send the mother in law with a one way ticket !?!

You need to get her to hang out in some dating chat rooms and they will find her

[discobob]

Just as an update, I have had nothing to do with my mother since last November - when she tried to accuse me of being a money grabber when I was on about my Step-Dad having Grandkids and Great Grandkids...

Anyway, I have heard through the grapevine that she is getting married next month out in Ghana....

[Ian willetts]

Good ridens to her and you carry on enjoying your life 

[ditchman]

thank you for updating us...

[Bigbob]

Best letting her get on with her life and you your lifes too short mate 

[discobob]

10 hours ago, Ian willetts said:

Good ridens to her and you carry on enjoying your life 

 

9 hours ago, ditchman said:

thank you for updating us...

 

1 hour ago, Bigbob said:

Best letting her get on with her life and you your lifes too short mate 

Cheers Guys.....

[Mungler]

Man that’s gotta be hard, because it’s all so obviously cliche / messed up and going to end in tears.

Send her a good luck on your wedding day card and enclose the contact details for 5 good divorce lawyers and say it’s best / most appropriate wedding gift you could think of.

If I got half way near any sort of caper like this I can think of half a dozen people who would try and pull me back from the brink. Is she supported in this by any friends / other family?

 

 

 

[discobob]

8 hours ago, Mungler said:

Is she supported in this by any friends / other family?

Nope, the only people that she has are local immigrants and her SSAFA work. Only one fella who has anything to do with her now from her neighbours and he has cut that back and only went round when she texted asking for his sprayer and she dropped this on him, - hence how I have found out. She has cut her sister off who was a saint after my Dad died doing all sorts for my mother (I am in touch with her regularly), and goes round to her other Sister and Brother-in-law. Apparently they would love to talk to me but won't because they are scared of my mother and what trouble she would create for them (as I said above that she is very vindictive) and she complains about being lonely. 

There was a family friend (looked on my Dad as a brother) and his wife - I knew him for most of my life, and he was a signature/reference for many things during my life (including my initial SGC). He was a top fella around St. Helens and was a former JP. I was invited to his funeral, mother wasn't as she had 'cut them off' and I talk with his Widow a few times in the year, and nip and see her at Christmas to drop her card off when I do my Christmas run back to my old area