Todays Joke

[dazza]

[ChrisNicholls]

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

 

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

 

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

 

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big ****, didn't it?"

[ChrisNicholls]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A

blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

 

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a

seven-hundred-ten?"

 

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I have

lost it and need a new one."

 

She said that she did not know what it was, but this piece had always been

there.

 

The customer service guy gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her

to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of

it wrote 710.

 

He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked,

"Is there a 710 on this car?"

 

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there: (Click below)

 

http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg

[lurcherboy]

ROTFLMFAO Nice one Chris

 

 

 

LB

[Ferret Master]

That's good

 

FM

[deadeye ive]

A religous couple move to a small village hamlet and immediatley want to join the local church.

The vicar says they are only interested in the most dedicated of followers and sends them away with the task of not having sex for 30 days to prove there worth.

 

30 days pass

 

Back at the church the vicar asks well how have you got on.............Husband replies

 

All right at first ,,,,Then i started getting really hogged up and the final straw came on the 29th day

My wife was handling a head of lettuce and dropped it on the floor and as she bent over to pick it up her skirt raised revealing her stockings ...............well i had to give her one there and then

 

Vicar says .......well i can not welcome you to our congregation

 

Husband replies ........**** that we are no longer welcome in Tescos

 

 

Ive

[deadeye ive]

Sorry Lads but it's got to be done (no offence intended)

 

Englishman,Irishman and Scotsman are the last 3 candiates to get to the last stage of SAS selection.

They all have one final test before they can wear the flying dagger.

 

Englishman is first and he goes in front of the brigadier who asks........

 

We want to know your ability to follow orders to which the reply was no problem.

 

OK........Take my revolver and go into the next room where you'll find your wife and shoot her in the back of the head........THATS AN ORDER!!!!!!!!!!.

 

The English man can't do it and fails selection.

So does the Scotsman

 

However the Irishman really wants to join and although he really loves his wife he decides the regiment comes first........

So off into the next room ...............BANG...........Silence.......Then !!!.........

 

From this room all hell breaks loose..........screaming ,shouting and banging...............After 10 minutes ........silence.

 

The irishman returns the revolver to th Brigadier and says ........WHY DID'NT YOU SAY IT WAS A BLANK BULLET ,,,,,,,,,I ENDED UP HAVING TO STRANGLE HER

 

 

Ive

[lurcherboy]

 

 

Nice one Ive

 

 

 

LB

[Axe]

A chap was stalking through the bush when came upon a woman sunbathing in the nude. He pointed his rifle at her and said, "Are you game?" She looked him up and down...and up and down again. "Wow!" she purred, "I sure am biggg boy."

So he shot her!

[henry d]

A robber goes into a bank and says to the teller"Gimme all the money you have or you`re Geography!!!!"

The teller stammers"D..D..don`t you mean H..h..history?"

The robber shouts"DON`T CHANGE THE SUBJECT !"

 

 

 

Sorry

[jonno 357]

The best jokes are the ones delected by the mods

 

Jonno

[Rob G]

One day two mates are sitting in a bale hide,the pigeons are falling out of the sky into there decoy pattern.In the distance one of them see's a hearse with a coffin in the back going along the road.He puts his gun down and takes his hat off.'Thats the sign of a real gentleman' says the other man.'That's the least i can do,i was married to her for thirty years'he replied'

[Owenwill]

Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the

100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the

cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART THREE:

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock

and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....

 

"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut

parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"

[Maori Haz]

:o Great Jokes guys! pity i don't have any myself.

 

 

MH

[Maori Haz]

Keep 'em coming i must add i am enjoying em!

 

 

MH

[blackthorn]

paddy goes for a job as a lumberjack. turns up for the interview only to be told by the boss man you will have to come back tomorrow. next day paddy turns up boss man says paddy i have to give you a simple test witch is the front of that tree. paddy replies that is. boss man replies how did you now that. paddy replies easy i had a **** round the back yesterday

Edited November 5, 2005 by blackthorn687

[blackthorn]

dye and Evan come up to London looking for a good time. on arrival they cant agree on what they want to do so they decide to split up and meet back up later. the day goes by and dye goes back to the meeting place no Evan. so dye goes looking for him shouting Evan where are you Evan where are you. after a while a good time girl comes up to dye and says i will show you where Evan is at this she took him down a entry lay on her back legs wide open heres Evan. dye terns to her no he is a bigger cu!t than that

Edited November 5, 2005 by blackthorn687

[Browning GTS]

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his

girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

 

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is

just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since

you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky..............

 

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any

snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or

ex-girlfriends.In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the

other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There

were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

 

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

[lurcherboy]

Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the

100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the

cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART THREE:

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock

and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....

 

"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut

parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"

 

 

 

LB

[new to the flock]

:o

Sad, but I am laughing....

[rogo]

A man walks into his local gymnastics class and asks the instructor to teach him to do the splits

 

The instructor says "It would depend on how flexible you are!" to which the man replies "Well i wouldn't be able to come on Tuesdays!"

[Maori Haz]

A guy walks into a pub with a duck under one arm and a tin under one arm, and says "BILLY!"(the owner) "Look at this!!" He then puts the tin on the bar, and puts the duck ontop. The duck then starts dancing and won't stop. Billy then says "Jim, if you give that to me, i'll give you free drinks for the rest of the night. Jim agrees, and throughout the night customers keep coming to see the dancing duck. Then later on, Billy phones Jim at 3 in the morning and says "Jim, how can you stop that duck from dancing, my wife and i can't sleep because it's banging on the tin."

 

Jim then replies "Billy, it's easy, just take off the lid and blow out the candle!"

 

 

 

Pretty lame i know but one that i had.

 

MH

[Owenwill]

A Sunday school teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

 

Little Kelli raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands!"

"Why do you think it's your hands, Kelli?"

Kelli replied: "Because when we pray, we hold our hands together in front of us

so God must take our hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" said the teacher.

 

Then little Jennifer raised her hand and said: "I think it's your legs, miss!"

 

The teacher looked at her with a puzzled expression and asked: "Now, Jennifer, why on earth do you think it would be your legs?"

 

Jennifer replied: "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh God, I'm coming' at the top of her voice!"

[the last engineer]

PRICELESS

 

 

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad

 

new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,

 

which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates

 

one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove

 

the testicles."

 

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

 

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

 

 

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in

 

20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

 

 

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different

 

person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's

 

clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That'll

 

make me feel a little better."

 

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

 

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

 

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

 

 

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ...

 

it fit perfectly.

 

 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new

 

shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

 

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

 

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

 

 

"Been in the business 60 years."

 

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around

 

the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe

 

thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

 

 

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you,

 

I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

 

 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

 

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one

 

hell of a headache." :*) :*) :*)

 

New suit -- $400

 

New shirt -- $36

 

New underwear -- $6

 

 

 

Second Opinion -- PRICELESS

 

 

 

Martin

[whippet.22]

I asked my English teacher "What do you think of the Harry Potter books?"

He replied " I think they're a load of *******, I mean who's ever heard of a ginger kid with 2 friends."