itchy trigger Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 asked to pick up one of my boss's, lived out in the country , male, late 50's, university educated, had not been before so used the sat nav to find his house, while he's walking to the car reset the sat nav, going along the lane he starts arguing with the sat nav!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mad1 Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 When we went to America on holiday a few years ago I said jokingly to the wife that "king kongs grave would be massive "?? She said " well if we get time we can go and have a look "!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the pelt man Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) Back when our money changed from shillings 2 old ladys herd talking on the bus one too the other: I cant get the hang of this new money, why didn't they wait for all the old people to die first before changing Edited September 16, 2012 by the pelt man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zulu Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Last year I was visiting my mum in hospital after a stroke ( 85 ) , she said the fella in the next room was fit for his age and looked like that man off Ebay with the abs ? , couldn"t work out what she meant as she kept saying " you know the one off Ebay , Hazzle somat .? Then it clicked and I said do you mean Baywatch ? , thats its she said . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houlsby Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Regular corkers in my house. Missis is a "beautician".. She makes Amy child's look like Einstein. It's brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
working dog Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 A woman who was notorious for butting in to other peoples conversations. Me - Talking about food on a menu : They have chicken gizzards on the menu She (butting in) : Chicken gizzards. What are they ? Me : Well theyre gizzards from a chicken A teacher friend has some classic quotes. I dont know why I've burnt today. I dont usually burn in England as the sun is different Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ME Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 The current Mrs ME came back from the vets with the dog to inform me that the vet had said that the dog had problems with his "cruise ship ligament". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wildfowler.250 Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 A girl I know.. "can you reverse a histerectomy?" (why did WW2 start?) "So did hitler do it because the other Austrian guy,(franz Ferdinand!) didn't manage to?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speckled frank Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Many years ago I heard someone trying to explain that Derbyshire was in Yorkshire.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigeonblasterian Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 People saying that anything below size six shot is no good for shooting pigeons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry31 Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 My ex once refused to go to an Italian cos she didn't want to use chop sticks especially on spaghetti so we went to the chinese instead .......I ordered noodles for her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beeredup Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 my wife came out witha classic the other day whilst we were driving past Blackpool victoria hospital she announced some one had died of a case of amtrack the previous week whilst i was offshore!! i laughed and said how did he get hit by an american train?? she meant anthrax as there has been a couple of the local smack rats bought the farm through a dodgy batch of heroin! People saying that anything below size six shot is no good for shooting pigeons. he he passes tin hat!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
libs Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Just remembered another one from a friend who is involved in 'fashion'. This 20 year old university student and I were watching the news around the time of the Olympic tickets going live and all the trouble with re-sale and counterfeits, and she just piped up "I'd like to go to this black market, you can get everything there." The look of disbelief stayed printed on my face for about 3 days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
humperdingle Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 I was in a training group with a bunch of women, and we were playing one of those stupid games to get people talking to the rest of the group... The game involved throwing dice. The last one to throw was a blonde, bit ditsy - stereotypical 'blonde type'. She needed a six. She threw a six. "Oh wow, what are the chances of that?" ......uummmmmm... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aister Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 once when i was working to this small firm there was an old guy that was helping me level up a concrete shutter with a laser level (first one he had seen) and he said "we will have to watch that the batteries dont run flat as the laser might droop down at the ends" :o :o :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprackles Posted September 16, 2012 Report Share Posted September 16, 2012 Fishing on Cleethorpes sea front when a tripper pointed to Spurn and said to his family, look, there's France. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickS Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Not so much said but..... My wife once picked up an audio cassette with no label. Saying "I wonder what is on this?", she shook it and held it to her ear. A passenger of mine asked as we we were approaching the airfield: "What height are we going to be when we land?" Nick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoodyPopper Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 After explaining that a good way to remember that Port means Left is that Port, like Left, has four letters. "OK, so how do you remember what Starboard is?" And, the same guy when playing darts: "Hey look, they landed in a triangle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D_No Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Just last night whilst discussing the location for a stag do my mate came out with "We're going to go to England" The same mate said he'd better get some anti-histamine before going on holiday, "I dont usually get hayfever" he said "but you never know" to which someone replied "it's because the airs different in France!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferguson_tom Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) Both from my wifes work and both have been previously posted. By the way person A is my wife in these scenarios A- Pass me that phillips screwdriver so i can sort this computer screen out B- No you cant use it A- Pass me the screwdriver please B- No its not the right one A- Look you idiot i am the one looking at the screw head.. pass me the ******* phillips screwdriver B- YOU CANT USE IT..... THE SCREEN IS A SAMSUNG A- You really are a complete idiot arent you!! A- Could someone come out my car has a flat battery and i need to jump start- i have the cables and know what to do Followed by complete silence A- Is no one gonna come help me all you have to do is pop your bonnet Followed by more silence until: B- We would but your freelander is a lot bigger than the rest of our cars. A- You really are a complete idiot arent you!! Edited September 17, 2012 by ferguson_tom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ME Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 My brother when we went on a booze run to France in the car on the Eurotunnel: "It is a shame that it is dark, we wont be able to see much from the train". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry31 Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 A gang of us were chatting at the bar when a bloke came in wearing a new blazer we got talking to him and he had got the blazer on a round the world cruise on the QE2 ......one of the lads piped up I dont fancy that id sooner go somewhere else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougall Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 An ex work colleague went on a driving holiday in Ireland for his honeymoon in the late 1980s. He pulled into a garage which had an attendant and he said ''fill it up''.After a few minutes petrol was pouring all down the side of the car and he said to the garage attendant ''hey what are you doing''. The attendant said ''I'm just rounding it up to nearest pound for you sir''...........!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MM Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) Ill give you a couple from a guy i work with. So, im stood outside having a smoke break around christmas last year. As i look up, there are canadas flying over. I say to him i would love a go at them with a shotgun. He asks me where they are going. "they fly south for the winter!" i tell him. He stares at me for a minute and says..."Where to? London?" Another classic from the same bloke. He asks me about how shotguns work, and that they only have one trigger, yet fire two shots. "Its all down to inertia" i tell him. ........"Ah yes, that place in Scotland!" I think he meant Ayreshire. And just another from a different chap which i overheard today. He was telling the other fitters that he has been granted his concealed weapons permit. The world is full of em. Edited September 17, 2012 by MM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pigeon pete Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 me saying to the wife 20 odd years ago "I DO " !!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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