fruity Posted April 18, 2015 Report Share Posted April 18, 2015 I find some days are better than others, I don't think grief will ever go away totally. Christmas,birthdays etc i always find difficult after losing my daughter, but things do get slightly easier and less raw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted April 18, 2015 Report Share Posted April 18, 2015 Ok even this thread is making my chest tighten. My mrs lost her mum to cancer 7 years ago at 14 years old it tore her apart. I've seen it destroy her some days especially with her due date next week. It scares me to think my parents are in their 60's . My advice is to always thing of the happy times. The Xmas before my sister died she thought it would be funny to put me on her rowing machine and feed me chocolates until I was sick That gets me through my sad times Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmydean Posted April 18, 2015 Report Share Posted April 18, 2015 Ok even this thread is making my chest tighten. My mrs lost her mum to cancer 7 years ago at 14 years old it tore her apart. I've seen it destroy her some days especially with her due date next week. It scares me to think my parents are in their 60's . My advice is to always thing of the happy times. The Xmas before my sister died she thought it would be funny to put me on her rowing machine and feed me chocolates until I was sick That gets me through my sad times Excellent - that made me smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keg Posted April 18, 2015 Report Share Posted April 18, 2015 Ok even this thread is making my chest tighten. My mrs lost her mum to cancer 7 years ago at 14 years old it tore her apart. I've seen it destroy her some days especially with her due date next week. It scares me to think my parents are in their 60's . My advice is to always thing of the happy times. The Xmas before my sister died she thought it would be funny to put me on her rowing machine and feed me chocolates until I was sick That gets me through my sad times Now that is what i call a sense of humour! My mum is in her mid 80s, has been through lung and bowel cancer. My boat is in her garage at the moment. I said that i t was great as i could work on it in winter in comfort to which she replied " i'm not that optimistic" Saying that, she has seen us all grow up and has got 7 grandchildren. When i read some of the stories from you all, i think i'm doing ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbiep Posted April 18, 2015 Report Share Posted April 18, 2015 Ok even this thread is making my chest tighten. ... That's the thing. Sometimes I chat about them, and it's not too bad. Other times, it still destroys me. Their birthdays will never be good days for me. I'm lucky, I met a wonderful woman 2 years later, purely by chance, and we've together 21 years, and married 18 years now (I'm still only 45, she's 44). She'd lost her husband (he was in the Army), and we each found someone who could actually relate to what the other was going through. That's the biggie, I suppose. We both know that grief, while a process, only fades into the background. It never goes away. It'll be there for the rest of my life, and hers, and in a weak moment, or sometimes for no reason at all, it steps forward again. Bah. Enough introspection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norfolk dumpling Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 Very few people go through life without losing someone dear to them. My wife has a very small family and in the last 18 months has lost an aunt, uncle and cousin (all from one family), her parents are very old and her dad (93) is on the way out. To add to the emotional burden our son has cancer (malignant melanoma) which will not have a good outcome. For me I think coping with this will be ok but for my wife I worry about her state of mind. She has a bunch of very good friends who, I hope, will support her. We have discussed moving away from all our memories when 'we have cleared the decks' and possibly living near the sea where I can fish and she can walk dogs on the beach. Might not happen but it is good to have something to focus on with the near future looking rather bleak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 The most weird thing that keeps getting posted is that all of us inc myself are more worried about our mums, wives etc and how they will cope. It shows we care more about others than ourselves and that's a great thing . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JDog Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 Crikey what a thread this is. The mistake I made when I lost a loved one was to use the 'stiff upper lip' approach. That may have been fine in the Victorian era but it is outdated. My grief was suppressed for several years during which time I was no use to man nor beast. In assessing my life some time later I saw quite clearly that I had to regress and grieve before I could deal with my loss properly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandalf Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 It scares me to think my parents are in their 60's . You shouldn't worry too much about people as they get older. I and The Memsahib are firmly in the old bracket now. We worry about each other and popping off and leaving the other on their own. But we are really not worried about our own deaths, as long as it's not painful. As you age you accept that nobody is immortal. Death is a part of life. Neither of us in keen to go. I am an atheist so I don't believe in the after life so would happily go on living for the next three hundred years if it were only possible - But it is not. The Grim Reaper will come. Death is hardest for those left behind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyska Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 I lost my first wife and daughter in a car crash 23 years ago. Some wounds never heal. There are still bad days. Not to lighten any other peoples sad experiences on here, but flip me, that must of been devastating, nightmarish to think of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 This thread has some really emotional posts on it, and Thank you to everyone for posting what must be hard to talk about. Some great advice on here too. I have learned that it is normal to feel sad years after and think I've been just bottling it all up and as Jdog said doing the stuff upper lip. I went to the scene of the crash myself around the same time it was and I visited his grave yesterday too, and I went shooting last night and sat down with a nice bottle wine and went through the funny pictures and stories I have and I was sad at the start and laughing at the end, and feel whole lot better now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keg Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 There is no right or wrong in grief, it's up to how the individual handles it. What works for one may not work for another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
islandgun Posted April 19, 2015 Report Share Posted April 19, 2015 This thread has some really emotional posts on it, and Thank you to everyone for posting what must be hard to talk about. Some great advice on here too. I have learned that it is normal to feel sad years after and think I've been just bottling it all up and as Jdog said doing the stuff upper lip. I went to the scene of the crash myself around the same time it was and I visited his grave yesterday too, and I went shooting last night and sat down with a nice bottle wine and went through the funny pictures and stories I have and I was sad at the start and laughing at the end, and feel whole lot better now. good on yer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norfolk dumpling Posted April 20, 2015 Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 Team tractor - this is perhaps how we cope ie worrying about our loved ones. It could be a defence mechanism. We have two daughters who I had hoped would be more supportive. One lives abroad so not quite so easy but youngest lives locally but doesn't seem to be able to handle her brother's cancer. It could be fear but she is in her 30's so death is one of those things like birth and taxes you cannot avoid. Our son, who also has learning difficulties, wants contact with his sisters - he uses iPad/iPhone and FaceTime - but it is all very very quiet at present. He had a series of scans early last month and neither of them have rang to find out how things are! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentalmac Posted April 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 Team tractor - this is perhaps how we cope ie worrying about our loved ones. It could be a defence mechanism. We have two daughters who I had hoped would be more supportive. One lives abroad so not quite so easy but youngest lives locally but doesn't seem to be able to handle her brother's cancer. It could be fear but she is in her 30's so death is one of those things like birth and taxes you cannot avoid. Our son, who also has learning difficulties, wants contact with his sisters - he uses iPad/iPhone and FaceTime - but it is all very very quiet at present. He had a series of scans early last month and neither of them have rang to find out how things are! This sounds like they are avoiding the closeness to ease the pain, could be wrong but I know I do the same in many situations. Wishing you and your family the best of luck with the future ahead, hopefully all goes well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norfolk dumpling Posted April 20, 2015 Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 That's my feeling but my wife isnt taking this very well and I fear a major family rift. Trying to play it low key until we can see what may be going on. But thanks for your support. Families eh!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brett1985 Posted April 20, 2015 Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 take it from me buddy, it never gets easier. you just learn to deal with the emotions. i lost my daughter back in 2005, while i was just 19. not a day goes by where i dont think about her... i have good days and bad days, even now. i still cant remember every detail from the night she passed. funny how the brain makes you forget to ease the pain. BUT, i'm a stronger, bolder and wiser person from all of it. and i take that as a blessing. it sounds to me like you took a valuable lesson away from your friends passing, and im sure he would be proud of you for doing that. That's my feeling but my wife isnt taking this very well and I fear a major family rift. Trying to play it low key until we can see what may be going on. But thanks for your support. Families eh!! as bad as it sounds matey, they are just going to need time. how much time is anyones guess, but they will come around eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biketestace Posted April 20, 2015 Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 From my own bitter experience, it never gets better, you just get better at hiding it. Spot on............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted April 20, 2015 Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 my ex had a miscarriage before our daughter was born and whilst it's not manly I shed the odd tear for that loss. that child would be four years old now. I hope all the posters above cope in their own way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun4860 Posted April 20, 2015 Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 Grief is a very personal thing and everyone deals with it in their own way, There will always be certain times of the year that are worse than others but hopefully people get through them, Certain instances will also bring it back. I think most of us will have been there but I do know that all of us will have to deal with it at some point. Some very sad stories on here :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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