dorianbuilders Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 The emotional mincer is hard to take but the time you have with her later will repair the damage she suffers now - you are obviously a caring Dad. As has been said take legal advice and do not give anything voluntarily until you have been advised. Keep records of advice and time spent by the solicitor - you will be distressed and its easy to add the odd hour as I know. You mention your wife planned one child on her own. I dont know the circumstances so my apologies for the suggestion but are both yours? Get a very good solicitor and tell him everything. Its going to be hard and the sun wont shine for a while but in a years time it will be a bad memory. Since you are a builder, you should price the work you have done and trade this off against work you could have done elsewhere and been paid for - your solicitor will know. All the very best to you and your little ones. Thank you Yes I'm fairly sure they're both mine, she just decided to come off the pill without telling me as it was our "Plan" to have 2 children, then blamed me for working all the time and not noticing the alarm for her pill not going off! Complete rational behaviour! Its clearly my fault, as is the fact her parents now have sleepless nights apparently, nothing to do with their controlling behaviour and constant criticism! They even asked my mother what she thought about me getting another dog! I'm 38 for god sake! Oh but thats also my fault as I should have just ignored them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dorianbuilders Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Can it be saved? RELATE? Divorce should be a last resort She wont go back to counselling with me, we never should have stopped, we only stopped as the counsellor cancelled on us last minute when we were in a bit of a crisis and never bothered/made time to re visit. Just got back stuck into everything, where we should have been working on the relationship and making time for each other. Sort of bury your head in the sand tactics! I can certainly see now though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fengreg Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Sorry to say this, but your screwed, not now maybe, but you will be, get the best legal advice you can afford, try to keep it amicable for the kids sake, but again, sorry to say, there will be lots of tears on your part, but eventually, things do get better, I promise you!!. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mungler Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 The financial screwing will probably be less severe then I first thought - especially if she's earning well and in a career. You have bigger problems though. Mothers that don't bond with children or children that would rather be with the dad is a bit of an alarm bell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kes Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 The financial screwing will probably be less severe then I first thought - especially if she's earning well and in a career. You have bigger problems though. Mothers that don't bond with children or children that would rather be with the dad is a bit of an alarm bell. I'm guessing Mungler, but our man above wouldnt mind ! Might be that he chooses, after legal advice to take the children and asks his wife to pay maintenance ? I have been surprised by how many women dont actually want the encumbrance when they divorce - times they are a changing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sean Richo Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 To be honest I would not ask advice on such a serious matter. Do what you honestly feel is the right thing to do only you know the answer to the question as you are the one who has experienced it all at least if you make the decision yourself you will not regret it that's all I would say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dorianbuilders Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 To be honest I would not ask advice on such a serious matter. Do what you honestly feel is the right thing to do only you know the answer to the question as you are the one who has experienced it all at least if you make the decision yourself you will not regret it that's all I would say. Thanks for that mate it was more a case of asking if I was being unreasonable not wanting her to take the house. I already know what I want! Some I can have most I can't. Its also nice to have folk to talk to even if it is on an internet site, makes you feel less alone on a long day/night! :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex C Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I'm never getting married and it's hurts loosing your kids trust me . Sell and split . Don't worry about the kids as they will always have a house with one of you . My ex change when we lived together and is a loony. She thought she was owed money but walked away with nothing . I went to court for my kids and won 12 days a month but lost them for 8 weeks mean while. Best bit of advice is offer nothing money wise . My mate paid £600 a month to house his ex and kid which proved he could afford to pay that much. Now he can't get out of it . So never been through it then That's ridiculous to say Why ?? I think its more important to have a stable environment for my kids with minimal amount of upset possible in what is going to be a turbulent time. You may have been lucky if you have been through this and your kids came out the other side with no lasting effects, However that is not true in all cases. I wouldnt chance it. As i said in my post ,personally , money or a few hours spent doing some DIY would be the last of my worries. But just my opinion, you are welcome to your own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dorianbuilders Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Why ?? I think its more important to have a stable environment for my kids with minimal amount of upset possible in what is going to be a turbulent time. You may have been lucky if you have been through this and your kids came out the other side with no lasting effects, However that is not true in all cases. I wouldnt chance it. As i said in my post ,personally , money or a few hours spent doing some DIY would be the last of my worries. But just my opinion, you are welcome to your own. Just to clarify my daughter now considers this "daddies house" where as before when she didn't live here she called it the work house as I stayed here quite a bit on my own and let them stay with her or my mum as it was better for the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Why ?? I think its more important to have a stable environment for my kids with minimal amount of upset possible in what is going to be a turbulent time. You may have been lucky if you have been through this and your kids came out the other side with no lasting effects, However that is not true in all cases. I wouldnt chance it. As i said in my post ,personally , money or a few hours spent doing some DIY would be the last of my worries. But just my opinion, you are welcome to your own. But if you had been through it you'd understand . It's stupid that the man needs to loose out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
overandunder2012 Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Take all you can. The CSA will clear you out until the kids are 20 sadly he's probably right Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nikk Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 The fact she has walked out of the family home will change things somewhat. If she'd stayed in it she would probably be entitled to keep the house until the kids have grown up and then you would sell it and split the equity. I don't know how bad it is but my philosophy is keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. If there is anyway to salvage the marriage for the kids sake I would definitely do it even if you don't like her at the moment. The alternative is that she will have you over a barrel for the entire time the kids are growing up and some women will deliberately do the absolute opposite of what you want in bringing them up just to make a point. There is a high probability that she has hormonal imbalance/post natal depression etc. My missus was off the dial and a complete bitch for a year after our last baby. My brothers missus is even worse. Try to weather it if you can, it gets better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laird Lugton Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) DB, sorry to hear about your situation, like Hedd-Wynn & Nikk I think it sounds awfully like post-natal depression. For what it's worth....what she's doing does not sound rational with the lack of bonding with the kids etc. As a career women who could effectively control her own destiny she may find that with two children she can't anymore, her parents are 100 miles away so parental support maybe lacking and you've both been under a lot of pressure so she's maybe depressed and she's taking it out on you. Divorce is an escape route which looks attractive but as Mungler says you maybe screwed and I can't imagine being apart from your kids would be much fun. My advice, if it is depression try and be there although it isn't much fun and make sure you have support too. It's a very tricky path to navigate along. but you can come out the other side. Edited January 11, 2014 by Laird Lugton Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harrycatcat1 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 The circus won't be happy. This is the best laugh I have had all day, thanks :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harrycatcat1 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 I am sorry to the OP as I cant contribute to give advice but the above comment did make me laugh. All the best OP Regards Hcc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil3728 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 The only advice I can give is, don't argue with your Mrs in front of the children no matter how young they are. I was 8 when my parents split my sister was 5, hearing your parents shout at each other is not good. It does sound like she is struggling after the second birth, give her time hopefully she will come back around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Footu Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Its not the value of the houses or the cash thats the problem for me here, its the fact Ive spent the last 2 1/2 years working on the house, building Inglenooks, bespoke bathroom units, timber floors, cast radiators etc etc to make my/our dream house and for her to take it now would be very hard for me, i.e. coming back to pick up the kids etc etc, thats why I was wanting as clean a break as possible to put the past into the past? Hard decision but your thinking here assumes she did not contribute while you did all this. What about being a mum and wife during this time and any other job she may have had. I'm not trying to criticise you, just pointing out the scales dont tip just one way when a court looks at it. However unfair, one day when the kids ask you how it all happened the money wont be as relevent. My condolences and best wishes for the future Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dorianbuilders Posted January 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 I appreciate that they don't tip one way which is why I'm looking for a 50/50 split so we can both walk away with the same and no emotional conflict, nice clean fair split so that this doesn't affect the way we behave around each other for the children's sake. Hard decision but your thinking here assumes she did not contribute while you did all this. What about being a mum and wife during this time and any other job she may have had. I'm not trying to criticise you, just pointing out the scales dont tip just one way when a court looks at it. However unfair, one day when the kids ask you how it all happened the money wont be as relevent. My condolences and best wishes for the future Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figgy Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hope it all works out for you. Figgy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chady Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Good luck and all the best hope something works out for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisjh Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 best of luck its a long long long road and in truth one that will never really end even when you children are adults, weddings christenings etc etc i have Tshirt & scars best advice take your time to consider your actions and what you say, something said in the heat of the moment can never be taken back all the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nikk Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hard decision but your thinking here assumes she did not contribute while you did all this. What about being a mum and wife during this time and any other job she may have had. I'm not trying to criticise you, just pointing out the scales dont tip just one way when a court looks at it. However unfair, one day when the kids ask you how it all happened the money wont be as relevent. My condolences and best wishes for the future Hang on...is the man supposed to lose everything? Men lose out badly in situations like this, they lose their home, their life and access to their kids is restricted to the whim of the woman. We only get one life on this planet and losing a huge investment like a house is a blow that takes years to fix. The courts tend to let the woman stay in the family home till the kids have left which can be a very long time before it gets sold and the equity released. In the mean time you get guys living in pokey flats getting screwed by child support while life for the woman barely changes. At the end of the day there are women who out of spite will take the 'family home' even though they will not be able to afford the bills etc and leave enough left over for holidays etc so the kids can lose out anyway. The fair thing to do (and the courts don't see it this way) is to sell up, split the equity so both sides get a shot at having a life. Children don't care how big their house is they care about their quality of life and having loving parents around them, having one parent with everything and the other with basically nothing might hurt the children more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dekers Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 Where women and young children are involved the outcome will seldom seem fair for the bloke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yates Posted January 14, 2014 Report Share Posted January 14, 2014 The circus won't be happy.Oooops and I work in the health industry too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
four-wheel-drive Posted January 14, 2014 Report Share Posted January 14, 2014 I've been there and back. Stand your ground you have exactly the same rights as her. If you can not come to an agreement all WILL be sold and split 50/50. It pays to have a good lawyer. Not quite it will be 50/50 after the lawyers have had there 50% Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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