Worst lunch ever today

[Bagsy]

Some excellent stories coming out now.

 

'95 we headed off to the Maldives on honeymoon where we had a water bungalow accessed via a shared jetty. Whilst on the other side of the island I had the sudden urgent need to clench up firmly and head back to the bungalow in double quick time.

 

Funny, but as I passed the bar where some were watching I tried to disguise my predicament but probably made it look worse as I did a Julian Clary impression walking by with short steps and a tight gait.....

 

Anyhow - I get back to the jetty only to find a load of Germans spread over it sunbathing. With no time to to wait I jumped over each of them and hit the bungalow door running, almost going through it. Damn did I explode in that toilet!

 

I'm sure those Germans gained some extra sun block for their trouble :blink:

[MC]

Some excellent stories coming out now.

 

'95 we headed off to the Maldives on honeymoon where we had a water bungalow accessed via a shared jetty. Whilst on the other side of the island I had the sudden urgent need to clench up firmly and head back to the bungalow in double quick time.

 

Funny, but as I passed the bar where some were watching I tried to disguise my predicament but probably made it look worse as I did a Julian Clary impression walking by with short steps and a tight gait.....

 

Anyhow - I get back to the jetty only to find a load of Germans spread over it sunbathing. With no time to to wait I jumped over each of them and hit the bungalow door running, almost going through it. Damn did I explode in that toilet!

 

I'm sure those Germans gained some extra sun block for their trouble :blink:

 

You ex servicemen really are the worst

[ME]

This is quite a topical one as Mungler asked me if I wanted to go to >The Viper< again about a month ago.

 

I have never told Mungler what happened the last and only time we went and why I didnt want to go again.

 

When we were about 19 or 20 Mungler, myself and a few others went to the Viper near Ingatestone one evening. It is a simple country pub in the middle of nowhere surrounded by woods that sells weird and wonderful real ales.

 

Mung had driven and the rest of us got stuck into the real ales. Towards the end of the night I had that gut wrenching urge that I really needed to go - and it was gonna be explosive. I made my way to the gents which was kind of outside in a little outbuilding. I found the urinal but there was no sit down "trap" to be found. I went back in the pub and was assured that the "outhouse" was the only convenience in the place.

 

I went back to the limited facilities and started to panic. By now I thought my stomach was going to explode. I ran out the front of the pub into the woods and the darkness, removed my boxers and trousers and squatted in the woods. It was the runniest, rusty coloured, loud, splattering relief you could imagine.

 

There was nothing for it but to use my boxers as a make shift bog roll, clean myself up, chuck the boxers in the woods and go home commando, hoping that it didnt happen again on the way home and that Mung didnt get a whiff of what had happened ! :yp:

 

I avoid real ales nowadays.. :blink:

Edited December 29, 2009 by ME

[Mungler]

Euggghhhhh

[Zapp]

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you made it to the woods before making a mess and having to throw your pants away? You can tell us, noone else is watching....

 

ZB

[ME]

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure you made it to the woods before making a mess and having to throw your pants away? You can tell us, noone else is watching....

 

ZB

 

 

Luckily us large chaps wear larger pants with plenty of surface area ! I always look for absorbancy over comfort or style in underwear since that night :blink:

[Imperfection]

LMAO!!! :blink:

[Kay]

Sounds gross i dont eat out very often ut when i do i expect what i pay for & good service

[AndyCM]

Many moons ago I was on a weekend break with my newish girlfriend and her parents :blink: The parents were pitched up in their camper van and we joined them a bit later - a 200 mile trip to Castleton in the peak district.

A long drive in the height of summer, but hey the scenery was ok and the next day we went out for a walk and lunch at some ravine viewpoint / landmark.

Just some small cafe type place, nothing fancy, and in temperatures of 28-30'C the girlfriend orders Prawns for lunch - WOW, an adventureous one....could be my type of girl !!!!

 

All went smoothly until the next morning the girlfriend was in a real hurry to leave for home right after breakfast, when we were due to stay another day or two.

Yikes, have I upset the parents? I'm in the clear...no frosty stares, no using the sink in the middle of the night....mmmm what's going on?

 

Anyway off we set - at the busiest time of day - in July, for a 200 mile journey, maybe the lass want some space (away from the parents) to get to know me better.....oh no...after about an hour into the trip she becomes very quiet, something's up!!!!!

Turning a bit pale, then STOP, STOP....we're on the M1 I think but she is insistant. Ok, the hardshoulder gets an extra topping.....urrrgh

ok, no worries, only another 160 miles to go.

Then traffic, then silverstone kicks out, lots of stops, we get to a hospital, they're not to interested, "upset tummy, you'll be ok"

we carry on, more traffic, more stops, another hospital....at this stage the lass ain't too well at all, but there's been a pile up on the motorway (not with us anywhere near) so the doctors and nurses are a bit tied up removing windscreens from peoples heads!!!! We wait, the lass "blows up" a few WC's while waiting, we move seats....a few times...eventually she gets some injection and it works...a bit.

A few miles to go yet to get home (she don't want no hotel tonight!!)

 

left Castleton around 11:00am Sunday morning, cover 200 miles by 4:30am (17 1/2 hours later)....I don't make it to work on the Monday & get grief from the boss from being in the Monday Club

 

Never been to the peak district since.

[Ozzy Fudd]

last januafry in latvia i went through a couple of bottles of 40% proof vodka on top of lots of wild boar and russian ham

 

next day alternating btwn bum on seat and head down toilet in an outside loo in -15 degree conditions (wit snow blowin thru gaps in toilet door) is not anexperience i want to repeat in a hury :blink:

[ME]

Euggghhhhh

 

Sheite happens, as they say in the US of A :blink:

[Alanl50]

About 5 years ago before me and the missus lived together I was on my daily visit to her, after work, it was mid week, I hadnt eaten so I suggested we have a kebab, we both love them, ordered and delivered, I tucked into mine, I love the chicken doners dripping in garlic sauce, mmmmmm, any way about half an hour after its time for me to go home, shower and bed, waved good bye, Im now driving down the road where all the football supporters, Ipswich Town obviously, like to park for free on the grass, "Birkfield drive" its on a hill and Im going down it when I feel an iron like urge to **** meself I tried to clamp my **** together with what is akin to the pressure of a blacksmiths vice, I couldnt even brake properly every time I applied pressure I was ******** meself I managed to stop, reverse back on to the grass next to the bank and ditch, I sort of rolled out of the car and my backside exploded I never even managed to get my trousers off properly, **** was every where, over my trousers, shoes, socks, I stripped off all my lower clothes, wiped myself down best I could with what I could find in my car, bearing in mind opposite the other side of the road in full view there are ******* flats and houses !! I chucked my pants in the ditch, I found a carrier bag in the boot of my car to put the rest of my **** covered clothes in, luckily I have a water proof seat cover so that come off as well, I used my shooting coat as a seat cover, right now I still have a 15 minute drive to my house, I was in living fear of being spot checked by the police, as I had to drive through Ipswich town to get there and loads of traffic lights, I could see it headlines "Man stopped, both smelling and covered in **** driving with no pants, trousers, socks,or shoes on"

I made it home but then I lived in a terraced house with no private parking area you just park on the road, I was praying that I didnt meet one of my neighbours whilst walking from my car to my house wanting to chat or one of them spotting me through the windows with no trousers, pants socks or shoes on, I did make it, all clothes binned, I phoned the missus up to tell her and see how she was, she was ok! but she was in fits of laughter, lol

I never really had any tummy pains or warning of my impending doom, it just happened!!!

Alan

Edited December 30, 2009 by Alanl50

[deeksofdoom]

I was on honeymoon in Capetown and we went on a trip down to the cape, on the way we stopped at a seafood restaurant and I had some sort of prawn dish, it was all very nice. Went down to the cape and then on to a vineyard and back to the hotel. That evening we went down to the Waterfront centre and my stomach was grumbling and I wasn't feeling the best. Went back to the hotel pronto where I had to practically grab on to the bowl or I would . I puked, ******, sharted, sweated and **** for about 5 hours solid until there was nothing left. Next day we went to Robben Island and I was still ****** but I couldn't eat anything. That night i had to go to bed at six o'Clock. The following day I decided we'ld go on the **** it was the only thing that I could do to actually rehydrate myself, 25 pints of Castlemaine XXXX and I was as right as rain again.

 

Moral of the story.......... If the prawns don't come away from the shells easy then they're not cooked.

[Spaniel]

I thought i would be clever abd gathered some fresh winkles from down at Brixham off St Marys Bay.

Tasted delicious but god i couldnt get off the toilet for some time....to the amuzement of the family

[vole]

Shark and Skate which is past its best tastes of ammonia. Had it a couple of times but never got ill.See what Wiki sez though,might explain it. Does not necessarily mean a bug however.Just putrification.

Natural occurrenceAmmonia is found in trace quantities in the atmosphere, being produced from the putrefaction of nitrogenous animal and vegetable matter. Ammonia and ammonium salts are also found in small quantities in rainwater, whereas ammonium chloride (sal-ammoniac), and ammonium sulfate are found in volcanic districts; crystals of ammonium bicarbonate have been found in Patagonian guano. The kidneys secrete NH₃ to neutralize excess acid.^[5] Ammonium salts also are found distributed through all fertile soil and in seawater. Substances containing ammonia, or those that are similar to it, are called ammoniacal.

 

 

[edit] History

[al4x]

Slightly OT... But I took the wag out for Lunch today... and Richard and Judy walked in...

 

 

also OT but you weren't in Ayot were you? bumped into them in a pub there in the summer and got the idea they were regulars.

 

So hows it going ME still alive?

[Imperfection]

Dont ever get diahorea when in Amsterdam.The public toilets are nothing more than a hole in the ground which you park your bottom over and a piece of sheet steel bent into a corkscrew effect so you walk inside it for privacy.

 

Everything you do and i mean everything from kneecaps down is visible from the street.

 

and yes,when i was there i had dodgy stomach and had to use one.

[Dunkield]

I have friends who seem to need the bog as soon as they step outside the front door, but I have never had to go in the woods or anywhere like that - until Croatia this year. The combined drinking/eating cycle must have caught up with me, so I am grateful that Dr Mungler was on hand to dispense wet wipes that made it slightly more comfortable than it could have been.

[ME]

Still alive and no serious side effects despite the bottle and a half of port I drank last night.

 

 

Got a nice email back from the Environmental Health people -

 

 

Dear Mr *******

 

 

 

Thank you for your email.

 

 

 

I have forwarded your report to the Environmental Health Officer whose area includes Mersea under reference 1-73200127. He will ensure that all necessary steps are taken.

 

 

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

 

Mike Seymour

 

Customer Service Centre

 

Colchester Borough Council

 

www.colchester.gov.uk

[henry d]

Worst I saw, was during a stop at Karachi. You could go out in boats with the locals to catch crabs, yes you also got a T`shirt with the logo "I caught crabs in Karachi" on it. Once you had caught a load they would go to a sand bar or beach and cook the catch.

Only one lad got a dose of the worst "Screaming hab-dabs" out of all on that trip, he had to spend a long time in sick bay and had a drip to hydrate him. He lost a load of weight and spent time wearing a towel as a nappy when he eventually got back to his mess as he occaisionally didn`t make it to the heads(toilet). He even asked the Doc to just end it all apparently.

I always wonder what would have happened if it was all of the dozen or so guys had caught it

[Zapp]

I have friends who seem to need the bog as soon as they step outside the front door, but I have never had to go in the woods or anywhere like that - until Croatia this year. The combined drinking/eating cycle must have caught up with me, so I am grateful that Dr Mungler was on hand to dispense wet wipes that made it slightly more comfortable than it could have been.

 

Ah yes, getting caught short in the field can be a nightmare, and it has happened to me so often that I have developed a pavlovian response to being outdoors with a gun where I pretty much have to go at least once. Wetwipes are my friend too.

 

Was caught out once though without them... Making your own toilet paper by sticking fag papers together does not work, so dont even try .

 

ZB

[shot shot]

It's when you start speaking in tongues that you know the **** has hit the fan

 

 

Thankfully it hasn't happened to me for 7 years or so, not nice...

[PhilR]

I was shooting the Universal Trench World Championships in Portugal back in 1998. After the closing ceremony and prize giving a buffet was provided for competitors.

 

As we had a long drive back to Lisbon early the following morning for the flight back to the UK we didn't hang about before going to bed. I was woken about 4.00am with an agonising pain in my tum, couldn't get myself out of bed in time to get to the WC and left a very liquid skid mark from the bed to the toilet. I stuffed myself full of Immodium, my wonderful wife cleared up the mess as best she could and I apologised to the hotel.

 

I should have been driving a minibus back to the airport but was in no fit state, someone else took over and we had to make one or two emergency stops on the motorway for me to hang my backside over the armco barrier, much to the hilarity of everyone. When we arrived at the bridge over the river Tagus going into Lisbon it was solid with rush hour traffic, the bridge roadway was partially a metal mesh and you could see through to the river a long way below, I pity the poor people who passed underneath on boats when I had to dive out the minibus and let rip!

 

Apart from take-off and landing I spent near enough the whole flight in the toilet. It took me several weeks to get over the bug.

 

Moral of the story is don't eat from buffets in hot climates no matter how tempting the food looks.

[AndyCM]

Ah yes, getting caught short in the field can be a nightmare, and it has happened to me so often that I have developed a pavlovian response to being outdoors with a gun where I pretty much have to go at least once. Wetwipes are my friend too.

 

Was caught out once though without them... Making your own toilet paper by sticking fag papers together does not work, so dont even try .

 

ZB

 

I went on a fishing trip once with 4/5 good mates - all very civilised until a new fisherman (not too used to being out of doors much) reappeared from the woods with no sleeves on his T-shirt

 

It may have gone unnoticed had it not been for the summer sun leaving milk white shoulders now exposed and burnt arms - the rest of us nearly fell in the drink laughing so much.

 

I have to make a confession - I always carry a knife now, in case I need to donate a shirt tail to the cause, comes in handy if donating socks to the cause is too slow or there are too many stingers about to go bare foot

[steve_b_wales]

One thing I always do before complaining about 'off' food. I always keep some back to take home, and, if needed, will then complain to environmental health dept.