Grief: isn't it meant to get better with time?

[Mentalmac]

That happens and it is a shock to the system especially when you believe that you have been in control of your emotions, truthfully when it comes to the really powerful emotions your subconscious takes over. Don't fight it, just let the emotion out, it will do your soul good.

 

The other way to think about it, if you are an emotional control freak like myself, once you let those deep feelings out and let go of the hurt that is getting you down just now, then the sooner you can get back to being in control.

 

Emotions are a bit like carrying a brickies hod, some times it is ok to set it down and give yourself a wee break from the load, when you're ready pick them up again and stride forward.

Thanks, that's good advice that I think has a lot of sense to it - I am already feeling better after talking about it here :-)

It takes time, some days it hits you other days it doesn't. It gets easier if you remember the person in the good times. I lost my Mum in an accident when I was 11. Was v hard explaining to my toddler on mothers day why I don't have a mum.

Sorry for your loss - I can imagine that hard as kids are so innocent they know not of what we go though, albeit you were but a child when you had to go through it yourself. Welldone for coping so well,

[keg]

I can only agree with everything so far, no point in repeating anything but just to add that this has always helped me:-

 

It's by Cannon Scott Holland and i read it at my Father-in-law's funeral. I don't think it's a religious thing but i find comfort in the words.

 

I lost my dad when i was 24 and both my in laws have gone now ( i knew them from when i was 17 and they treated me like a member of the family from day 1) but reading some of the posts, I've had it easy compared to a few of the PW crew.

 

 

 

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.

[drut]

Sadly,although passage of time tends to dull things and rob us of memories we would wish to preserve,the right "trigger" can put us(or at least me) emotionally back to the exact moment of loss even many years later: I guess some things stay with you till the grave.

[Mentalmac]

I can only agree with everything so far, no point in repeating anything but just to add that this has always helped me:-

 

It's by Cannon Scott Holland and i read it at my Father-in-law's funeral. I don't think it's a religious thing but i find comfort in the words.

 

I lost my dad when i was 24 and both my in laws have gone now ( i knew them from when i was 17 and they treated me like a member of the family from day 1) but reading some of the posts, I've had it easy compared to a few of the PW crew.

 

 

 

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away to the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

That, we still are.

 

Call me by my old familiar name.

Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

 

Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect.

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

 

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same that it ever was.

There is absolute unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?

 

I am but waiting for you.

For an interval.

That's a lovely poem and I feel there's a lot to take from that, thanks for posting this :-)

[bakerboy]

Just let it out, there is no shame in showing your emotions.

[Mentalmac]

Sadly,although passage of time tends to dull things and rob us of memories we would wish to preserve,the right "trigger" can put us(or at least me) emotionally back to the exact moment of loss even many years later: I guess some things stay with you till the grave.

You are right about triggers to it I feel, can go many many months ok until something trigger a memory and that's it now.

[team tractor]

My sister is buried within 2metres of 2 mates. 15,19 and18 .

I lost 3 grandparents , 3 mates and my sister within 8 years before I was 24 and it sucks.

My sister never woke up after a fit in her sleep , mates got ran over , addict and suicide between them.

I feel more for my mum as she found my sister and my grandad collected me from school. 17 years and I can remember his exact words and face as I was called out of class.

" right , we have to go home now"

 

On a plus note I'm looking at getting married, I have a baby due in a week and have 2 great kids 5&8 so I have to remember what I have got is great really.

 

Still skint tho

Edited April 17, 2015 by team tractor

[kimgary]

I have lost a lot of family and friends when they were far too young, some of them bikers. I still think about a lad Bobby, he was a pal of my uncles and spent lots of time with me showing and repairing his motorbikes from when I was about 6 years of age. He worked for british rail and was hit by a train as he stepped off a train, I was only about 9 so was not allowed to go to the funeral, just remember my nan saying she had been to the funeral parlour to see him and give him a kiss.

 

I cannot honestly explain why I still think and remember him in my prayers but he must have been a big part of my life.

 

Not wanting to bring religion in to it, I have my beliefs, I cope really believing that one day we will meet again, when anyone dies I like to think that it is another soul safely gathered in, the body is just like a tv, the tv breaks but the signal (the soul) is still being sent.

 

Things happen that remind you of your losses like the song you heard, was it just coincidence or is your friend close than you think?

 

I dream a lot of the people I have lost but when in the dream I am aware that they have died but i still enjoy the dream for the time I have with them.

 

My wife "has been down the tunnel" and come back and I never doughted her, my son also went down the tunnel and came back at the same time though he never explains it properly, he was 12 weeks premature, we never gave it much credability until we were in hospital some years later and a very good friend/nurse looked after my wife and left her notes for us to read, my son was delivered "dead" and my wife "died" whilst having the ceasarean due to blood loss.

 

So there we have it, I believe it does get easier but it never leaves you plus special anniversarys like 5, 10, 20 years etc always seem to hit harder, all the best to you and every one on here who has lost loved ones, remember the goog times.

 

Sincere Regards

Gary.

[Suffolkngood]

My sister is buried within 2metres of 2 mates. 15,19 and18 .

I lost 3 grandparents , 3 mates and my sister within 8 years before I was 24 and it sucks.

My sister never woke up after a fit in her sleep , mates got ran over , addict and suicide between them.

I feel more for my mum as she found my sister and my grandad collected me from school. 17 years and I can remember his exact words and face as I was called out of class.

" right , we have to go home now"

That's tough.............could not even start to imagine what you, your family and surviving mates and their families went through.

 

We are but mere mortals. Cherish every moment with those that you love, for you never know what tomorrow will bring..........good or bad.

[gixxerboy]

I lost my best mate in a bike smash nearly 11 yrs ago and I think about him just about every day. Something during the day will make me think of him and normally it will make me smile or laugh remembering the good times and stuff we did or what he used to say but occasionally something will come up and it will hit that "spot" and I just feel like breaking down in tears and really have to take a gulp and bring myself back to reality. It still hurts as much today as the day it happened but that just shows you how much they meant to you and that can only be a good thing in my book.

[Psyxologos]

Hi all,

 

I'm not really much of an emotional person in fact I've been in many situations in the past where I've seen things others would struggle with (the deceased). I've also lost a few friends of mine too early due to various reasons, and generally speaking I don't get physically emotional - never really have done, not even as a child. Of course It's affected me but I am good at either blanking it out or just remembering the good times.

 

Well, tomorrow marks the 5th anniversary of the death of one of my best mates in a bike crash (I was there), and each year it's gotten easier... But this year feels different and I've suddenly started to get more emotional at odd things on the run up to this date and I had my iphone music on shuffle today during the day in the office and a song came on that we listened to a lot when on a road trip to buying my new boat and it left me really feeling rather iffy and with a big lump in my throat and I feel fairly emotionally delicate tonight.

 

My question and point is that I feel that after 5 years it feels like suddenly all the grief has caught up with me at once - is this unusual or wrong? Has anyone else experienced anything like this before?

 

Hi all,

 

I'm not really much of an emotional person in fact I've been in many situations in the past where I've seen things others would struggle with (the deceased). I've also lost a few friends of mine too early due to various reasons, and generally speaking I don't get physically emotional - never really have done, not even as a child. Of course It's affected me but I am good at either blanking it out or just remembering the good times.

 

Well, tomorrow marks the 5th anniversary of the death of one of my best mates in a bike crash (I was there), and each year it's gotten easier... But this year feels different and I've suddenly started to get more emotional at odd things on the run up to this date and I had my iphone music on shuffle today during the day in the office and a song came on that we listened to a lot when on a road trip to buying my new boat and it left me really feeling rather iffy and with a big lump in my throat and I feel fairly emotionally delicate tonight.

 

My question and point is that I feel that after 5 years it feels like suddenly all the grief has caught up with me at once - is this unusual or wrong? Has anyone else experienced anything like this before?

 

Grief is a proccess mate, and it does not mean that as the time between the source of your grief and present time grows, the intensity and depth of your expressed and experienced emotional affect will decrease proportionally. I a, still affected by events that took place over 20 years ago (similar situation to you, only I was the only survivor, I lost my three best friends), and in my day to day job I help people with similar issues. PM me if you need to talk! Best of luck and please do not -even for a minute- think that whatever is going on inside you is beyond the norm.

[wabbitbosher]

Lost my cousen in a bike crash 25 years ago, i coped with it well at the time and never shed a tear

about Ten years after he died i went to lay flowers at the road side as i had done for the previous 9 years

Jeepers i sobbed my heart out ! i dont know why .

I Didnt go again tho

 

This year he would have been 40, i did a little story of his life on Facebook

Yup !! I cried a load

One thing for sure ,,,,,,,

I'll NEVER forget him !

 

Its not wrong to cry over lost Family n Friends

i do snap out of the tears quite quick and i remain Positive !

 

Its one thing in life thats going to come to us all

i find comfort in remembering the Good times !

The side splitting laughter !

God Bless them All !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Its Good to chat amoung friends about these things

We are All here night n Day

 

Keep your chin up Dude !

[loriusgarrulus]

"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December". JM Barrie.

 

This was One of Dad's favourite sayings.

 

We lost him 16 months ago and my Mum 7 years ago.

I have my Dads red setter Logun, he does things with us that I saw him do with Dad. It still catches me. I dream about Mum and Dad regularly and sometimes see something and think Dad would like that and then remember he's gone.

Dad was a very keen photographer and I have thousands of photographs and slides he took. I am supposed to be sorting them out, but I end up in tears going through them and they are still in two huge boxes unsorted.

[jimmydean]

I think the way in which you remember those who have died is a very personal thing and there are no rules. Whatever happens, has to be part of the unique bond between you and the person you have lost. Sometimes (as all have said) an intense memory just happens -catching you by surprise but its a reflection of what has happened in life and how much it meant and (as also been said) we should be grateful for that, as it would be so sad and final not to remember.

 

I tend to hold on to memories of those who arent alive any more - who have just touched my life - I feel its a bit of an obligation which keeps them alive in a small way. It would (OP) be perhaps the way you might wish to be remembered after 5 years - you will know best what your friend would have done.

I liken it to the 'finger-touch' depiction on the roof of the Cistine Chapel in Rome, which is meant to represent the creation of life. At these moments it may be that the distance between you and them is least, wherever they may now be ?

[steve_b_wales]

I lost my son 12 years ago, he was 14 years old. I've been through many mixed emotions, and even now, I can start 'filling up' when a certain thought about him comes into my mind. But I quickly turn it around and think of all the fun and laughter we shared during his short life. There are photo's of him in my lounge, and my young grandson's have asked about 'Uncle David'. No doubt, my 16 month old granddaughter will ask about him when she's old enough.

Time helps to ease the pain and heartbreak of losing a loved one, but you will never forget about them. Don't feel that it's wrong to shed a tear now and then, when you think about them.

[chady]

I've got my two boys sat with me as I type this.

I am so sorry for every ones loss losing a child is terrible.

And I'm so sorry with the bottom of my hart!

I'm so lucky to have what I have got and admiringly sometimes take it for granted!

All the best folks some of you are stronger than I probly would be!

[Grandalf]

Time helps to ease the pain and heartbreak of losing a loved one, but you will never forget about them. Don't feel that it's wrong to shed a tear now and then, when you think about them.

 

I understand this statement very well. I lost two of my sons as children. That was a long time ago. You never accept it - You just learn to live with it.

Since then I lost mother, father, two brothers, mother-in-law and very many friends. This is a part of the aging process.

Now at 76 with a wife of 79 we are facing our own mortality. Both of us are probably within our last ten years - maybe considerably less.

One must just face the fact that death is a part of life. Time doesn't heal - It just dulls the pain. A few tears once in a while doesn't do any harm.

The sun will come up tomorrow and life will go on. You can be part of it or lose yourself in grief and shut out the rest of the world.

It's a hard choice but it just has to be made.

[Scully]

Lost one of our kids some time ago. His sister is now 18 and his twin brother 15, so I don't have to wonder what he would have looked like; I just look at his brother.

It's hard at the time, without doubt, but it's just life; nothing personal. Life can be wonderful but it can also break your heart.

My Dad died over 12 years ago now and his twin brother is 89, and a constant reminder of my Dad, and when he goes that will be all links with his generation of family gone as my Mam died a couple of years ago.

I can cry at the drop of a hat if I ponder on my Dad. He was my hero but we fought like cat and dog. My Mother always said it was because we were so much alike. I loved him to bits and miss him dreadfully at times. There literally isn't a day goes by I don't think about him at one point or another.

You never get over losses such as these, you just learn to live with them.

[robbiep]

I lost my first wife and daughter in a car crash 23 years ago.

Some wounds never heal. There are still bad days.

 

As Scully says, you never get over it, you just learn to cope better.

[jimmydean]

To read all these stories is quite heartbreaking - I have been lucky, I've not buried my children and my parents died at a good age. Just as well really as I dont think I would cope as well as most of you have.

[Mentalmac]

Hi all, lots of very emotive posts here, and wabbitbosher, your story is similar to mine in that sense, hope your pain eases over time.

 

Heartfelt condolences to all on this thread who've lost people dear to them - and thank you all for your advice and comments, we are all much more vulnerable than I think we let on mostly.

[islandgun]

 

I understand this statement very well. I lost two of my sons as children. That was a long time ago. You never accept it - You just learn to live with it.

Since then I lost mother, father, two brothers, mother-in-law and very many friends. This is a part of the aging process.

Now at 76 with a wife of 79 we are facing our own mortality. Both of us are probably within our last ten years - maybe considerably less.

One must just face the fact that death is a part of life. Time doesn't heal - It just dulls the pain. A few tears once in a while doesn't do any harm.

The sun will come up tomorrow and life will go on. You can be part of it or lose yourself in grief and shut out the rest of the world.

It's a hard choice but it just has to be made.

wise words indeed, good man

[John_R]

I think we all have our own ways to cope, both at the time, and later. No one method will fit everyone.

 

My biggest shock so far was losing my younger sister, it'll be 16 years ago next week. I can remember pretty much every detail of that day even now, and once in a while I do get pretty sad when I think of it. Typing this is bringing some emotions to the fore.

 

I recall I took much of that week off work, went fishing a few times to take my mind off it a bit, I was not shooting back then. My parents had a hard time, as did her two kids who were just 4 and 8.

 

Hope all who have similar stories are doing OK! It has been quite something to go over this thread.

[kdubya]

Sadly along with advancing years come the bad times of seeing loved ones depart,something I have nearly always manged to deal with, however we lost a grandchild some 15 years ago, she was a special little girl that got a very short straw in life, I can see her face to this day in fact each and every day, I still find myself in tears thinking of her, and I still crack up big style when we visit her grave, grief shows you are human and we all deal with it differently.

 

 

KW

[islandgun]

One good thing that comes from the posts is that no one is alone or singled out and that grief is shared by all which makes it easier to tolerate somehow, humanity at its best !