miscarriage

[digger]

Has anyone on here had the misfortune to have had to cope with a miscarriage? My wife and i went for the first scan this morning and the news was the worst- baby has stopped growing. I dont know what to say or do and am currently walking the dog (with her blessing). Any advice on how to help her would be greatly appreciated.

[kyska]

PM'd you mate

[semiautolee]

sorry to hear mate, be there for your wife and be as supportive as you can and stay strong, me and my wife went through this last month it isnt a nice feeling at all, it hit us hard but there was nothing we could have done! once yous feel the time is right try again, it may take a while tho, keep your chins up and be strong

[Fisherman Mike]

Sad to hear that. Just be tolerant and play it by ear. Some Women deal with it differently to others and her hormone levels may well be up an down as well as her emotions in the next couple of weeks.

 

Good Luck.

[Dr W]

Ditto been there and I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Most important thing to remember is to be there for your wife, now that may seem obvious but generally men get over it a lot quicker and just say to themselves 'well ok we'll try again' and while you have moved on and got over it your wife my not have and because there are no outward signs it's easy to forget that they may be suffering inside.

 

My wife took several months to get over it, the grief, the extra hormones etc but to begin with she seemed fine and seemed to have dealt with it but it wasn't until a few weeks later that she suffered with depression and stress and wasn't able to work. However she did get better and I just had to remember to be there for her if she flew off the handle or started crying for no reason. If your wif is working and finds out she can't cope the doctors are very understanding and will sign her off if she needs it.

 

From talking to people afterwards we found out they're a lot more common than you think and helped to reassure my wife it wasn't something she'd done.

 

Feel free to ask any questions

Edited October 10, 2011 by Dr W

[fenboy]

I am sorry to hear that mate ,my wife suffered quite a late miscarrage the first time she was expecting,dont know if you have kids yet but let me reassure you that though you will be feeling devestated at the moment its not the end of the world ,though it no doubt feels like it at present, in most cases it just nature taking its course for good reason.

To be honest what you can do will depend on how your wife has taken the news, just be a shoulder when she needs it and try not to make a fuss over her if she seems to be coping ,I am sure the doctor/hospital will give all the advice you need.

Good luck in the future

[-oXo-]

Sorry to hear that. My partner and I had one too it really isn't that uncommon so don't blame yourselves almost 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. There is more than enough advice posted above but make sure your ok as well chap.

 

Regards.

Edited October 10, 2011 by -oXo-

[imissalot]

as every has said, so sorry doesnt help or make ya feel better, we tried for a few years now we have 4 kids good luck you will get there promise

[mpk]

Make sure you talk about it ....to many couples just go inside themselves .......been their twice mate ,doesn't get easier but just push on together ! Sorry to hear of your loss

[bazzab]

Hello mate. I am so very sorry to hear that. You have my deepest sympathies. We are in process of trying. To be honest never been in ur position, but just wanted to post a wee bit of support.

 

Hope you are both ok buddy. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say this, we are thinking of you mate.

 

Bazza.

[stokie]

I won't offer my sympathy as it will do you no good but I'm sorry for your loss . But I do know how you feel . My wife and I went for her first scan and we were as happy as can be watching that little heart beat . The very next day she miscarried . To say we were devastated is an understatement . I can guarantee how ever bad you feel your mrs is twice as bad . Look after her well make sure you deal with it properly even if that means counselling . We didn't and on the 12 month anniversary my wife had a break down .

We tried and tried but she never could get preggers again we even did IVF and still no kids .

Life goes on don't be afraid to ask for help

[jmooney]

It can be very rough. We've had two. The first was really rough as my wife "passed" everything over a weekend as we found out on Friday and were scheduled for the procedure on Monday, I was of no help because in my despair I downed the better part of a bottle of Jameson. Second time she had the procedure. It was hard on both of us as you go from joy to sadness in an instant.

 

Just support each other, talk and time will help. If it's really bothering one or both of you, no shame in seeking a bit if counseling. I know some don't view it this way but to me any way you turn it, it's the loss of a child. They were both boys that we lost (determined by testing). We have two beautiful daughters that have brought us so much joy but it's been about 3 years since the last one and I often think of my sons that I never had the pleasure to met.

 

Sorry for your loss. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about it, I don't mind talking about it.

[allthegearandnoidea]

Me and my wife were told the same thing when we went for the first scan. Waiting for the miscarraige to actually happen was not a good time. It helped us (and I stress that this was our own personal views only) that we were lucky she conceived with no problems and that gave us hope that we would be able to get there again. After the miscarraige it was amazing how many friends and relatives have said they went through the same or similar thing and as wierd as it may sound that also helped as knowing it was common took some of the worry that it may happen again away. It also helped that the chances of a second miscarraige are not increased because there was one before.

 

When my wife became pregnant the second time we were a little apprehensive but luckily we now have an 8 month old and she's fantastic.

 

I think it depends very much on the individual on how you deal with it but we tried to stay positive and look to the future rather than dwelling on it too much, but each person will deal with things differently and I hope you are both ok.

[Mrs Sweepy]

I lost a baby when I was just over the three months.

Your wife will be feeling numb and most probs trying to convince herself it has not happen .

Worse part for me was when the milk started too come and the pains that came with it

I also had three friends who went on too have heathly babies around the time I was due

seeing them with their babies was a killer .

Ash (sweepy)just didn't know how too deal with me so his way of coping was to pretend thier had been no baby .

And too try a jolly me along (bless him)

all I wanted too do was talk about my lost but everyone thought that was a bad thing

so the whole thing was swept under the carpet and even now 15 years later to my famliy it didn't happen.

Please talk about it. don't let anyonesay never mind you can always try again . Too your wife this baby was already the most important thing too her

and she will never forget that child .

Give lots of hugs and time over the next few weeks.

And make her feel she's not facing this a lone because it is so easy too feel that way .

And most important thing of all. You must grieve too after all it matter as much too you as it did your wife .

You will never forget this time But you will move on .

Three years after losing my little one..

I went on to have a healthy son. Who is now turning into a smelly teenager

Your not alone in your grieve

XxxxSuzy

[Paddy Galore!]

I lost a baby when I was just over the three months.

Your wife will be feeling numb and most probs trying to convince herself it has not happen .

Worse part for me was when the milk started too come and the pains that came with it

I also had three friends who went on too have heathly babies around the time I was due

seeing them with their babies was a killer .

Ash (sweepy)just didn't know how too deal with me so his way of coping was to pretend thier had been no baby .

And too try a jolly me along (bless him)

all I wanted too do was talk about my lost but everyone thought that was a bad thing

so the whole thing was swept under the carpet and even now 15 years later to my famliy it didn't happen.

Please talk about it. don't let anyonesay never mind you can always try again . Too your wife this baby was already the most important thing too her

and she will never forget that child .

Give lots of hugs and time over the next few weeks.

And make her feel she's not facing this a lone because it is so easy too feel that way .

And most important thing of all. You must grieve too after all it matter as much too you as it did your wife .

You will never forget this time But you will move on .

Three years after losing my little one..

I went on to have a healthy son. Who is now turning into a smelly teenager

Your not alone in your grieve

XxxxSuzy

sorry mate, the above advice is about the best you're gonna get, the problem is we're blokes and can't express emotion, just be there for her, whether that means being a punch bag or a sounding board. sorry for your loss.

[digger]

Many thanks for the kind words and advice. Ill jump on the lap top and reply to my pm in a bit. Its heartbreaking to see my wife so upset. I have two girls by my previous marriage but this would have been our first.

Thanks again to you all. I dont feel alone with this now

[stoggieman]

Wife and I married when we were both over 30. We decided to try for a family a year later after 3 miscarriges Pat found out she was pregnant but the embryo was not growing as it should tests indicated downs syndrome and problems with the spine. We were advised to abort I said no but I would be present at the birth and if there was no hope the child could sleep away. We have a fine son of 29 and several grandchildren. Son was only 2lbs when born and had a touch of spina bifada He was operated on within the first few months and he has never had a problem, Please do not give up hope and give your wife all the support she will need at this very distressing time.

 

Peter

[fern01]

We lost two, the first was the hardest as we had just got used to the idea of having a baby and went around telling everybody and then had to tell them all what had occurred, it was a bad time. We didn't give up hope and have four children now including a set of twins. I wish you well for the future.

[jef]

My wife and I have been through two since April. It was very hard the first time, and not much easier the second. We are just waiting to start trying again. Our hospital won't run tests until we have three miscarraiges which is frustrating but they say until then we are still withing the "norm". As mentioned, it's amazing how many people around you have suffered the same.

 

All the best

 

James

[Mrs Sweepy]

My heart really do go out too you all who are going though this now.It is something as the woman that you will carry for the rest of your life

The guilt that you where too blame(which is not true)and as each year passes you never forget the date your babes was due (12th august)

But like many things as the years past it do get easier

In some ways it is alot harder for the woman as from day one she has grown too love that little person she is carrying inside her.And this is what everyone,friends, family,and even doctors have too remember,It makes me feel sad that when the day i lost mine approaches its only me that remembers and on every birthday it is only me that thinks of that day.

Too all those who have lost i hope that one day like me you will get too hold your own child in your arms. Dont ever give up and also dont ever forget how important all the lost little ones are too your partners.

[arjimlad]

I am very sorry to read this.

 

As others have said, you are far from alone. You should not & will not forget the child you lost.

 

When our "surprise" daughter died at 17wks gestation in July 09, it was the most searing emotional pain I or my wife have ever known. We had thought our family was complete until she came along, but we were wrong. We had just announced it publicly. Very publicly.

 

We had 2 sons (now aged 8 & 10) very easily indeed with no problem. They were especially upset to lose the baby sister they were looking forward to meeting.

 

We went on to have a beautiful daughter in Oct 2010, but we will never forget the one we lost.

 

We remember her very often, as do our boys, and are grateful for her, as we would not have gone on to have Esther were it not for her.

 

I think you have to talk about it with your wife and you both have to grieve. Give each other lots of hugs and listening. Umpteen people sent cards & wrote to us about their own loss, which helped very much. I hope you find something from this thread like that.

 

It's no help to be told that you can have another ("but I wanted THAT ONE!"), or that there "must have been something wrong" (So what ? we still wanted her!).

 

You can also find help with the Miscarriage Association who have support groups in most areas.

 

Trying again was healing in some ways, but made for a very anxious pregnancy.

 

I hope you will both find some peace and healing, and that you will one day have the gift of a child who you get to meet & care for together.

[paul65]

We had 2 miscarriages at around 12 weeks. The first was straightforward but distressing for us both. The second was less straightforward in that the baby stopped growing and died but my wife didn't miscarry. So she had to go through the charmingly named 'Evacuation of remaining products of conception' (ERPC) procedure. Thoughtfully the hospital booked her in to have this done on the weekly abortion day... It was very distressing for her and, as the nurses on the ward didn't know the circumstances, they treated me horribly when I tried to stay in the waiting room.

 

We didn't try again for a while but when we did, every scan was stressful. A week before due date we went to the hospital for a checkup, everything was fine but my wife's blood pressure was a little raised (unsurprisingly), so they did a blood test and told her to come back after the weekend. On Monday, 2 days before dure date, I went to work and she went to pick up test results. I got a call mid morning from the hospital to come in. Our little boy had died over the weekend. My wife was extremely distraught and had to go through a 'normal' delivery. It was beyond terrible. Instead of a little pink bawling boy, we had a little blue silent one. Then the hospital effed up the death certificate, meaning we had to go to the registrar twice, surrounded by new babies being registered and I had to go back to the maternity ward to sort it.

 

Although this affected my wife badly and everyone was looking out for her, it affected me badly too and no-one looked out for me. We had a funeral and I carried the coffin. I can't describe how bad it all was and it put a great strain on our marriage when my wife wanted to try again straight away and I couldn't face it.

 

Next time we got a wonderful little boy and called it quits at that.

 

When these things happen to you, you find out that it happens to a lot of other people. It doesn't make it much easier but you realise that you weren't singled out for this.

[Dr W]

That's a sad tale Paul, glad things ok now.

[death from below]

It is definately one of those subjects that I certainly didn't realise was so common until it happened to us. We miscarried 3 times between eldest and youngest - they were all early term miscarraiges and even to this day what might have been still makes me cry - I console myself that I have 2 lovely kids that did decide to stay with us. The advice on this thread is spot on, I really do feel fo both your partner and you. Give yourself time to grieve and allow yourself to feel the grief - yes your partner has suffered the physical and emotional loss of losing a baby which adds a significant dimension to that loss - you have also suffered a terribe loss and sometimes the male partner can get lost in the equation.

 

Truly feel for you both.

[chrispti]

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/