Bereavement counselling.

[digger]

As the topic says, has anyone had this or tried it ? Yes, partially spurred on by HRH but also people telling me for years I need it.

This isn't a woe is me post by realisation is slowly dawning that I live a very jaded life and have an opportunity to rid myself of some demons.

[panoma1]

Go for it! What harm can it do?

[chrisjpainter]

It's a very personal thing. Generally, it works best for the people who have noticed there is a problem and have chosen to do it themselves, which sounds like it's the case for you? It can be really hard, but it is so valuable. You have to be prepared for it to be difficult, but really worth it. give it every chance for it to work .

 

All the best, whatever you decide

[wandringstar]

At least you have the courage to admit it, and whatever it is, I wish you well.

 

We all have frailities, some handle it better than others, life can be emotionally hard and lonely.

 

The life and soul that you meet down the pub, can be crying his eyes out when he gets home.

[digger]

Thank you gents. I'll book it Monday.

[chrisjpainter]

Thank you gents. I'll book it Monday.

Great response.

[Scully]

Thank you gents. I'll book it Monday.

Good for you. There is nothing shameful in seeking help, not in fact admitting that you need it.

My former OH would have benefited from this methinks, but never took up the offer.

I wish you well; let us know how you get on.

[figgy]

Hope it works for you. Never know if you never try.

[mel b3]

i had bereavement counselling after losing my first wife . i was just sort of lost and was really struggling to accept things .

 

counselling doesnt fix things , but it gives you the opportunity to talk through things and understand them a little better.

 

my own experience is that grief doesnt leave you , you just learn how to live with it .

 

its certainly worth giving it a go.

[Aled]

Good advice all. Digger follow your instinct.

Cheers

Aled

[team tractor]

It's 19 years since loosing my sister and it still hurts like yesterday.

I went to a funeral a year for 8 years and it started to break me down.

My sister and two mates are buried within 3 yards of each other .

Another shot himself

3 grandparents

A school mate was murdered ( she was lovely)

I've had several close calls and I know now that life is short.

 

Talking helps trust me .

[Davyo]

I lost my life long pal at Christmas,and have never felt anything like it.If I'm honest I think it set me into a depression.I couldn't sleep and on 3 occasions over Christmas I drove the £110 miles in the middle of the night to a spot up at Derwent water Keswick to look out at an island we used to paddle out too.We would share a bottle of red and strum away all night.

It was my wife who made me see a councillor and it brought me back down to earth.Funny thing bereavement,can change people, it finds your strong points and your weak points.

I have to face it again soon as I'm paddling out there with his ashes.The counciling will get me through it.

Edited April 22, 2017 by Davyo

[Aled]

I think its good that you have said what you said good on you team tractor & Davyo.

I lost 2 friends to suicide, finding an outlet for grief helps.

All the best.

Aled

[Davyo]

I would also like to point out that i got a lot of support and comfort from PW I said things on here I didn't tell my wife at 1st for some silly reason.But when you get up in the middle of the night and your sitting downstairs on your own,there is always someone on PW to speak to.Its odd as ive only met a few members but had no issues pouring My heart out to people ive never met.Wouldnt happen on any other forum.My wife became really concerned, but that was me just been a bloke and not pouring my heart out to her.Get counciling,but speak with family and friends or even your PW friends.

[andy2389]

My wife is a bereavement counsellor.

I read your post out to my wife and she said if you feel that you are ready to face these demons you've mentioned then it's worth giving the counselling a Go. PM me if you want any more information and I'm sure if my wife can point you in the right direction she will help as much as she can. Cheers Andy

[team tractor]

I forgot to say on my part I cry at films/ things on tv now . Feel like a right idiot sometimes and walk off to do the washing before my mrs catches me .

Certain songs remind of my big sister. The film need for speed with the scene rolling the car I can't watch. Twice now I've been in a rolled vehicle inc my own van . I remember a lady's voice waking me up and it's damaged my neck ever since.

The scene on heartbeat where Bellamy got shot reminds me of my mate.

 

 

What I do find is a good old cry helps lots.

 

9 years ago today my mrs lost her mum when she was 14. Today's not a good day in our house.

[digger]

Thanks for all the positive responses.

My mum was killed in an accident when I was 11. Didn't go to the funeral and packed off to boarding school within three weeks.

I have a "brother" and "father" I have zero contact with. I live alone ( except when my daughter's stay ) and work alone so can go 48 hours without talking to a soul.

I'm sure there are thousands who would trade my woes for theirs but after spending Easter Sunday in bed, unable to move and with tears streaming down my face it's time to act.

I have a black dog, he's 11 years younger than me and it's time he moved on.

( for those who think I'm rambling Google black dog called...).

I'm honoured by your words gentlemen 👍

[wandringstar]

My dad died 18 months ago, he had a dreadful end, I tried to build a good relationship with him when I was young, after i had to move away with my mum and brother from him, he was a very selfish and childish man, we had some good times, but the aggro was always there, like it was with him and a lot of others, he dident try enough in life, I sort of drifted away as the years went by, I got tired of the nastiness, I wanted him to just be like what I perceived other dads to be, but it wasn't to be, I wish I had been a bit bigger myself at times in my behaviour, I barely bothered with him in his final years apart from phone calls, he lived a long way away, but I made the effort near the end, I am glad I did, it was dreadful seeing the coffin roll up with the floral tribute saying 'dad'.

 

I sometimes cry, I cry at his terrible end, and I cry for what should have been, but wasn't.

[kyska]

My wife is a bereavement counsellor.

I read your post out to my wife and she said if you feel that you are ready to face these demons you've mentioned then it's worth giving the counselling a Go. PM me if you want any more information and I'm sure if my wife can point you in the right direction she will help as much as she can. Cheers Andy

PW at its best, digger use this opportunity.

 

You obviously feel you can open the conversation on here, but I'm very aware it's anonymous and by speaking to a human you might find it more difficult to start with.

 

I'm from a family of medical professionals, and in my old life very active as one. You've made a step by admitting you have a 'black dog'. Exploration could be painful, but healing.

 

Do it, you'll find a new you I reckon.

[Aled]

Bravery from a lot of people here. Good on you all.

Wishing you all the best I can from where I am.

Aled

[tx4cabbie]

My best pal lost her dad, and struggled to cope so much that her relationship broke down. She had grief counselling, and it's helped to such a degree she's now happily married with her first kid.worth a go

[oneshot1979]

Read the first post, sympathised with the OP, and moved on to the next unread topic.

Saw others had commented so came back to it and read their posts too, deep down inside of me something wanted to reply as well but I don't post much and thought what difference will one more comment make.

​All day it's been tugging at me.

​But what to say.......

 

Don't put it off any longer mate, get help, and if you get that low again come on the forum and talk. Doesn't have to be about the state you're in, anything'll do, but at least you're in touch with people.

 

​I saved a lads life at work and very nearly paid for it with my own, I should've died, and that's an official medical opinion. I would have left behind a wife and beautiful 4yr old daughter, and as I lay in hospital it kept going through my head how my wife was going to break it to my daughter what had happened to me, what might yet happen to me. I lost my father just as I was becoming a man, just as he started to show a real interest in who I was and what I was training to do, my parents kept it from me and my brother how ill he was, so we just kept on working trying to support the family when we should've been making the most of the little time we had left, and then he was gone. I knew what it was like to loose a parent suddenly and it haunted me that my little girl might have to too. The trauma of the accident nearly broke my wife too, she was recovering from a late miscarriage and was herself very low and emotional so when I released from hospital I buried all my problems and tried to be strong for her.

It ate away at me for over two years, I became short tempered and very low, I'd well up at films and music. I couldn't watch my little girl sing at her Christmas play because I knew I'd cry.

​As part of my insurance claim I had to go to a phycologist and be assessed for signs of PTSD. I fought this and refused as I was more worried about loosing my licenses than my mental state but eventually I was ordered to go.

The interview lasted just over an hour and wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, this chap made his notes and remarks but didn't pry too deeply. We stood and shook hands and I wandered off downstairs to the car park, he caught up with me just outside the building and said he was going to grab a coffee from the street vendor and did I fancy one and maybe an informal chat. Strange as it may seem it was so easy to talk to this complete stranger about my feeling that I agreed, we bought coffee and just started walking, we ended up on the green outside Exeter cathedral and I poured my heart out, I could let out all my anguish and fears to this guy knowing that judge me or not we'd likely never meet or cross paths again. It was a revelation to be able to talk like this and I couldn't stop, he offered very little in the way of advice to me just the proverbial shoulder to cry on. I came home from that feeling a lot lighter. A few weeks later the missus and me were watching the film "IN TIME" with Bill Nighy, those of you that have seen it know what happens at the end, it was my final straw, I broke down in front of her, everything came out, my dad, my accident, her, the little'un, everything. Things have slowly been on the up ever since.

 

​As blokes we're conditioned to keep a stiff upper lip, and amongst our family, friends and workmates we don't want to show our weaknesses, it's this that causes us to fester and rot inside and that's not good. We can't change what's happened in our pasts and we don't want telling how to get over it or how to forget it, all we need is somewhere to talk about it with out judgement.

When I read the posts about lads loosing their dogs, and people comment how it's brought a tear to their eye as they've got the same coming or have just gone through with themselves, you know you'd never admit that in the pub or over tea in the canteen at work, you'd be seen as soft, but on here we're all pretty much faceless, we have friends but we don't have to look them in the eye when we're having a week moment and I find that a great comfort that we can share our grief, bereavement or upset together. Unmocked, unashamed and unjudged.

 

Try the counselling Digger, and in the mean time make use of the friends you have on here too.

 

​Good luck.

​

[southman1]

Please do I lost my wife suddenly last July on my daughters birthday she was in cuba hardest thing I had to do phone her tell her mum had passed away ,I'm only just getting a full nights sleep , dident sleep at first kept blaming my self if only I had done this or done that ,had to go the Drs in the end that was in January he reassured me that I coudent do any thing else for her it coud of happened a week before a week later it was a massive heart failure bev was very stubborn she became disabled dew to a complacted illness that was 15 years ago the last 5years was the was the hardest did not expect the Heart to go I did not go to counselling, I know I had my family bevs family and good friends to talk to but at 1or2 or3 In you have nobody things are going and going over In your mind so at 2one morning i wrote a long letter about all the things I was thinking the good times the bad times if this , if that , then posted it on a open counselling site in Hampshire , then a few days later got a reply from a lady who's had gone through the same sought of troubles we chatted in the early hours of the morning to say how we felt some times crying on the post or laughing ,we don't talk so much now but we are there if things get us down as it dose , may will be hard for me we woud of been married for 43,yes got married when I was young still love her to bits miss her loads I do know what you are going through if you want to chat pm me ps on good note taking my great 10 year nephew for his first clay lesson to day good luck , south man

[KFC]

I lost my first born son to cot death. What made it worse was that I'm clairvoyant and I had a premonition that he was going to die but I still couldn't do anything to prevent it.

 

My parents are long gone, I was involved the aftermath of two air crashes from the squadron I was on. I was involved in an earthquake that killed 82,000 in Peru in 1970.

 

Two ways I now look at it.

 

A caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

I don't know if a caterpillar knows it will become a butterfly or if a butterfly remembers being a caterpillar but I know we look forward to the transformation.

 

When I'm listening to Radio 2 I know that Radio 1 is transmitting but I can't hear it because I'm not tuned into it. I can retune my radio and I can retune my mind. I believe that life happens at all different frequencies all around us.

 

I have and do suffer PTSD but I now treat death as a homecoming and no longer suffer the pain of loss.

 

I think bereavement goes through distinct stages. At first the loss doesn't register then, when it does, it's like being a one-legged man in a bum kicking contest. Numb and useless.

After that comes anger. Why, why, why.

Then comes acceptance and then finally a moving on but never forgetting.

 

All of these stages take a different amount of time for everyone and it is possible to get stuck in any one of these stages and I think bereavement counselling can be a valuable tool to use regardless of the circumstances.

[Mice!]

Some really heart felt posts on here think people should be proud that they have opened up and shared there experiences in the hope it helps others.