Divorce Advice

[London Best]

I read somewhere that marriage is like the forces.........everybody complains, but you would be surprised how many re-enlist.

[ditchman]

keep on reading this post...and truly i am shocked............i think the only reason i remained married is that i was at least 2-3000 miles away from my wife during my working life

it really beggars belief why marrige is so popular in the first place

[loriusgarrulus]

10 minutes ago, ditchman said:

keep on reading this post...and truly i am shocked............i think the only reason i remained married is that i was at least 2-3000 miles away from my wife during my working life

it really beggars belief why marrige is so popular in the first place

My first marriage was pretty bad. Mainly due to my ex playing away from home all the time. He did the same thing with his next 2 wives.

 

 

My 2nd marriage was wonderful, the only downside is it was far too short. 😢

Andrew and I were together 26 years and married for 24. 

Edited April 30, 2021 by loriusgarrulus

[Eyefor]

On 30/04/2021 at 08:40, ditchman said:

keep on reading this post...and truly i am shocked............i think the only reason i remained married is that i was at least 2-3000 miles away from my wife during my working life

it really beggars belief why marrige is so popular in the first place

If it flies, floats or fornicates, always rent it - it's cheaper in the long run. - Felix Dennis

[Downforce]

I noticed a lot of people said get a really good solicitor  but what is a really good solicitor?

When I got divorced I was advised (by what I understand to be one of the best) to - and I quote - "let her have whatever she wants" whilst at the same time I had my father telling me to not let her have anything. Hmmm... what to do.

Well I broadly followed the solicitor's advice. My divorce was over in 6m and she took everything she could and she run up credit card debts and then disappeared off the face of the earth and I was left with nothing and overdrawn. But I could move on.

Long story short when I compared that to my dad's divorce who spent hundreds of thousands (lieterally) over years fighting my mother for years and years with the best barister money could buy he / they resented it for the rest of his / their life.

I was lucky, no kids, not much apart from a house and car to fight over - I sold the car and paid the finance off so there was nothing apart from negative equity on the house to fight over. Things can get intense quickly - I would be tempted to store weapons elsewhere under such circumstances as others suggested.

At the time I felt hard done by losing my Akai stack stereo system (!) and all my CDs and so on but TBH I am not bothered about it now and wasnt bothered after about 12-18m. Found a great girl and moved on. Never think about the ex really.

I think not getting that invested in the arguments helped me immensely in getting over it.

My dad was still bitter and twisted 20+ years later. So my advice would be to try and remain amicable and just remember you can always buy another Akai stereo but picking the fights over stupid little things isnt worth it and just ends up in tit for tat retallitions and getting a point scored - if you dont engage with that it takes some of the heat out of the situation.

D

[Downforce]

I learned after the event that it was all a cry for help for me to tell her I loved her and beg her to come back and so on anyways having a fight was exactly what she was after without really knowit it herself

D

Edited May 3, 2021 by Downforce

[ferguson_tom]

On 29/04/2021 at 00:58, Jim Neal said:

I'm probably going to get shot down on this but it seems whenever there's a separation, the default setting is the woman gets to claim all sorts of stuff she doesn't deserve and the man gets shafted with no chance of appeal.  It just seems completely unjust.

I think most of the time its just the man feeling hard done by and not necessarily understanding the sacrifices the other half has made over the years especially if kids are involved. My parents divorce was pretty fair imo yet because my dad "earnt" the majority of the money he still feels as though he got shafted even though he never lifted a finger in the house, cooked a dinner or changed a nappy for over 20 years.

For the OP I havent been through it myself but was late teens when my parents split, advice I can give is forget about the small stuff, it really doesnt matter chances are when you start your new life you will want to replace pretty much everything anyway.

[team tractor]

I’ve just paid for papers to be served on my ex after she keeps ignoring the court paper. 
I’m £3000 in so far but that includes getting her new fella out of my house for trespassing 😁. 
my ex was having an affair in the police and I only knew when I was arrested at gun point by 5 officers. ( women can be evil) 

I was arrested for assaulting her but after her lies came out she’s lost her career in the police thank god . I’ve never hurt anyone in my life . She also claimed benefits in my name ( fraud) 
15 months later I’m so much happier and my mates including off here have been amazing.

my feo has been amazing to be honest . 

 

I wish you luck with your divorce I really do . I was told to

#Not over think things 
#Dont look back 

# concentrate on my kids

 

[Lloyd90]

38 minutes ago, team tractor said:

I’ve just paid for papers to be served on my ex after she keeps ignoring the court paper. 
I’m £3000 in so far but that includes getting her new fella out of my house for trespassing 😁. 
my ex was having an affair in the police and I only knew when I was arrested at gun point by 5 officers. ( women can be evil) 

I was arrested for assaulting her but after her lies came out she’s lost her career in the police thank god . I’ve never hurt anyone in my life . She also claimed benefits in my name ( fraud) 
15 months later I’m so much happier and my mates including off here have been amazing.

my feo has been amazing to be honest . 

 

I wish you luck with your divorce I really do . I was told to

#Not over think things 
#Dont look back 

# concentrate on my kids

 

 

Fair play mate I remember the start of that thread and you saying she made up the lies etc. 
 

How did the truth come out? 
 

Got to be fair to the coppers to put her lies, sack her and for you to be pleased so far with the outcome. 
 

Fair play to them 👍🏻

[Scully]

1 hour ago, team tractor said:

I’ve just paid for papers to be served on my ex after she keeps ignoring the court paper. 
I’m £3000 in so far but that includes getting her new fella out of my house for trespassing 😁. 
my ex was having an affair in the police and I only knew when I was arrested at gun point by 5 officers. ( women can be evil) 

I was arrested for assaulting her but after her lies came out she’s lost her career in the police thank god . I’ve never hurt anyone in my life . She also claimed benefits in my name ( fraud) 
15 months later I’m so much happier and my mates including off here have been amazing.

my feo has been amazing to be honest . 

 

I wish you luck with your divorce I really do . I was told to

#Not over think things 
#Dont look back 

# concentrate on my kids

 

Good for you, 👍Hope it all turns out well for you. 

[clangerman]

56 minutes ago, team tractor said:

I’ve just paid for papers to be served on my ex after she keeps ignoring the court paper. 
I’m £3000 in so far but that includes getting her new fella out of my house for trespassing 😁. 
my ex was having an affair in the police and I only knew when I was arrested at gun point by 5 officers. ( women can be evil) 

I was arrested for assaulting her but after her lies came out she’s lost her career in the police thank god . I’ve never hurt anyone in my life . She also claimed benefits in my name ( fraud) 
15 months later I’m so much happier and my mates including off here have been amazing.

my feo has been amazing to be honest . 

 

I wish you luck with your divorce I really do . I was told to

#Not over think things 
#Dont look back 

# concentrate on my kids

 

rubbish always gets what it deserves in the end causing misery cost mine her grand child put anyone before your kids you will lose every time 

[Rewulf]

8 minutes ago, clangerman said:

rubbish always gets what it deserves in the end causing misery cost mine her grand child put anyone before your kids you will lose every time 

Its a good job youre not too bitter about your ex eh ? 

[mel b3]

1 hour ago, clangerman said:

rubbish always gets what it deserves in the end causing misery cost mine her grand child put anyone before your kids you will lose every time 

Don't feel bad over it dude . It's not your fault if you've only got a tiny Todger,  and you're rubbish in the sack 😅.

My mates wife left him with the kids after shed been having an affair . She did her best to ruin the family , and put them all on the street , but he got over it , and brought them up to be a fine young lady ( now a school teacher) and a fine young man ( now an armed police officer) .  His wife lost her children , and neither of them would even spit on her now. 👍

[Wintel73]

Lodging guns with a dealer is a darn good idea if there is a chance she will make something up, and get a female divorce lawyer, odds on her lawyer will be a woman, and a male lawyer against female in divorce proceedings is out-gunned (no pun intended) Female divorce lawyers are velociraptors - you want one on your side believe me...

[team tractor]

1 hour ago, Lloyd90 said:

 

Fair play mate I remember the start of that thread and you saying she made up the lies etc. 
 

How did the truth come out? 
 

Got to be fair to the coppers to put her lies, sack her and for you to be pleased so far with the outcome. 
 

Fair play to them 👍🏻

She gave it up as I feel she’s dragged to many down with her. 5 officers were harassing me and it could of ******** up their careers easily . She wasn’t liked and was transferred to another station. She’s left now 😁

1 hour ago, Scully said:

Good for you, 👍Hope it all turns out well for you. 

I found out she’s claimed £45,000 in benefits in my name . 
mom happy she’s gone now 😁

1 hour ago, clangerman said:

rubbish always gets what it deserves in the end causing misery cost mine her grand child put anyone before your kids you will lose every time 

Thank you . I spent the weekend on the beach with just my kids . It’s weird but my kids adore me 

1 hour ago, Rewulf said:

Its a good job youre not too bitter about your ex eh ? 

🤣🤣🤣

[clangerman]

2 hours ago, Rewulf said:

Its a good job youre not too bitter about your ex eh ? 

as she starts most days with a black eye my only regret is she didn’t go sooner who said life’s not fair lol 

[mowdy]

My divorce went through last November  after 2 yrs separation .We split the house and savings down the middle and walked away with a lumps sum each after 20 years together  no kids thankfully  . No animosity or bad feelings on either side and we actually get on better now  than for a long time    .

[eddoakley]

On 29/04/2021 at 00:58, Jim Neal said:

You've retained custody of your child, but had to pay your ex off with a small fortune?  How the f does that work??!  Surely kids are the pivotal thing.

I'm probably going to get shot down on this but it seems whenever there's a separation, the default setting is the woman gets to claim all sorts of stuff she doesn't deserve and the man gets shafted with no chance of appeal.  It just seems completely unjust.

I might make myself bankrupt on purpose just in case...

Things are pretty amicable at the moment and "custody" is supposed to be 50/50. But it's not working out that way.

I'd have him all the time but believe the best way is for him to see me and his mother equally. However she seems "busy" a lot.

Party, hangover, hair appointment, work....seem to coincide with the days where she should have him for more than just the night. If there's a full day (where he isn't in nursery) he seems to be with me. 

It's great for me but I really want it settled and regimented.

As for paying her off then it's only money. She's done well out of a 2 year marriage (6 ish years together) but I really don't care. If it wasn't for my son I'd probably never speak to her again, as it is I really hope she does well and is in a good place to look after him.

  Had the financial agreements back literally this afternoon which once signed should mean that she can't come back for more.

Life goes on and mine will be much better once the dust has settled.

 

Edd

[Vince Green]

On 28/04/2021 at 22:38, simonm said:

This. My costs were huge because my loony ex wife sent letter after letter about nothing because she was bankrolled by her parents and knew because we had kids she would get nearly everything. And do check your itemised bills- my solicitor tried to charge me for a parking ticket he got when we were in court 😆

It’s a hard time and everyone seems to think it’s the end of the world, but for me it’s one of the best things that could have happened! 

I told my solicitor I will not pay for phone calls or letters from her solicitor so decline them and tell her go **** herself.

If her solicitor wanted to ask (mostly irrelevent) questions tell her to email me or decline 

[ditchman]

see microsoft is getting divorsed from his wife of 27 years....it is an amicable seperation.............and im sure the settlement had nothing to do with it ....£93 billion ?

[Lloyd90]

1 hour ago, ditchman said:

see microsoft is getting divorsed from his wife of 27 years....it is an amicable seperation.............and im sure the settlement had nothing to do with it ....£93 billion ?

 

More than likely a tax fiddle. 

[Jim Neal]

41 minutes ago, eddoakley said:

Things are pretty amicable at the moment and "custody" is supposed to be 50/50. But it's not working out that way.

I'd have him all the time but believe the best way is for him to see me and his mother equally. However she seems "busy" a lot.

Party, hangover, hair appointment, work....seem to coincide with the days where she should have him for more than just the night. If there's a full day (where he isn't in nursery) he seems to be with me. 

It's great for me but I really want it settled and regimented.

As for paying her off then it's only money. She's done well out of a 2 year marriage (6 ish years together) but I really don't care. If it wasn't for my son I'd probably never speak to her again, as it is I really hope she does well and is in a good place to look after him.

  Had the financial agreements back literally this afternoon which once signed should mean that she can't come back for more.

Life goes on and mine will be much better once the dust has settled.

 

Edd

Mate it sounds like you're the better parent, in terms of from whom your child is going to benefit being with the most.  Go with it.

At his age, your life is going to be pretty restricted right now but your world will start opening up more and more once he starts school.  I'm not sure exactly what kind of shooting interests you have but there's always ways to involve a youngster, and he'll get more in to whatever you do together as he grows.  You've just got to be flexible to make it work on his terms to begin with.  It seems like forever but it takes shape soon enough, trust me.

I'm in a DIY game syndicate and share the keeping work.  My boy's almost 5 and he's about to start his 4th season with me coming round the pens in the summer feeding up etc.  The first three of those were... let's say... a bit difficult and stressful for me, but last year was a significant step change in the way he has taken to it.  OK, it took us 3 hours together to do a routine that would take me little over an hour on my own, but that's how it is.  I love the fact he comes with me and shows an interest.  I love the fact he gets excited when I say we're "going to Daddy's woods" !

You're absolutely right, kids need routine and predictability, it's so important.  Even something as simple as going to bed at the same time every night.... same routine: brush teeth, cup of milk with stories, bed.  They thrive on it and it helps minimise their stress and anxiety whilst they come to terms with what the big bad world is all about.

If his mum isn't willing to play a major role in that then, quite simply, she doesn't deserve the opportunity to share some of the most wonderful and precious times a parent can enjoy with their child.

50/50 seems like a fair deal in principle, but think deeper on it - it's maybe fair from the parents' point of view but it's most certainly not fair on the child.  It's not practical either unless you live very close to each other.  The kid has to know where home is, not get pushed from pillar to post all the time.  Some may object to this viewpoint but they have to "live" in one home and "visit" the other.  That doesn't devalue the love they receive from the parent they "visit" but it's simply a question of safeguarding the mental welfare of the child.

No kids of separated parents ever have zero negative effects.  I know that's going to make your heart bleed a little but it's the truth.  Whether the parents separated when the kid was a baby or an adult, or anywhere in between, it leaves scars.

But it's up to you to do a bit of forward thinking, long game kind of stuff, and put yourself 5, 10, 20 years down the line... how do you want it to pan out?  What's the game plan? 

The good thing about this subject is you've probably got a readily available pool of information from people who've been through it and made a hash of it, so learn from their mistakes!

If it's left down to you then grab the situationby the balls and take ownership of it.  If your ex is how she seems from what you've mentioned then she'll probably just yield to your taking control of the situation, because she's too selfish and lazy to put the work in.

You're nurturing a relationship that's going to last the rest of your life, and the time to work hard on it is now.  Go for it

[team tractor]

8 hours ago, Vince Green said:

I told my solicitor I will not pay for phone calls or letters from her solicitor so decline them and tell her go **** herself.

If her solicitor wanted to ask (mostly irrelevent) questions tell her to email me or decline 

Ha excellent. Superb in fact 🤣. 
 

[eddoakley]

9 hours ago, Jim Neal said:

Mate it sounds like you're the better parent, in terms of from whom your child is going to benefit being with the most.  Go with it.

At his age, your life is going to be pretty restricted right now but your world will start opening up more and more once he starts school.  I'm not sure exactly what kind of shooting interests you have but there's always ways to involve a youngster, and he'll get more in to whatever you do together as he grows.  You've just got to be flexible to make it work on his terms to begin with.  It seems like forever but it takes shape soon enough, trust me.

I'm in a DIY game syndicate and share the keeping work.  My boy's almost 5 and he's about to start his 4th season with me coming round the pens in the summer feeding up etc.  The first three of those were... let's say... a bit difficult and stressful for me, but last year was a significant step change in the way he has taken to it.  OK, it took us 3 hours together to do a routine that would take me little over an hour on my own, but that's how it is.  I love the fact he comes with me and shows an interest.  I love the fact he gets excited when I say we're "going to Daddy's woods" !

You're absolutely right, kids need routine and predictability, it's so important.  Even something as simple as going to bed at the same time every night.... same routine: brush teeth, cup of milk with stories, bed.  They thrive on it and it helps minimise their stress and anxiety whilst they come to terms with what the big bad world is all about.

If his mum isn't willing to play a major role in that then, quite simply, she doesn't deserve the opportunity to share some of the most wonderful and precious times a parent can enjoy with their child.

50/50 seems like a fair deal in principle, but think deeper on it - it's maybe fair from the parents' point of view but it's most certainly not fair on the child.  It's not practical either unless you live very close to each other.  The kid has to know where home is, not get pushed from pillar to post all the time.  Some may object to this viewpoint but they have to "live" in one home and "visit" the other.  That doesn't devalue the love they receive from the parent they "visit" but it's simply a question of safeguarding the mental welfare of the child.

No kids of separated parents ever have zero negative effects.  I know that's going to make your heart bleed a little but it's the truth.  Whether the parents separated when the kid was a baby or an adult, or anywhere in between, it leaves scars.

But it's up to you to do a bit of forward thinking, long game kind of stuff, and put yourself 5, 10, 20 years down the line... how do you want it to pan out?  What's the game plan? 

The good thing about this subject is you've probably got a readily available pool of information from people who've been through it and made a hash of it, so learn from their mistakes!

If it's left down to you then grab the situationby the balls and take ownership of it.  If your ex is how she seems from what you've mentioned then she'll probably just yield to your taking control of the situation, because she's too selfish and lazy to put the work in.

You're nurturing a relationship that's going to last the rest of your life, and the time to work hard on it is now.  Go for it

I'm not saying she's a bad parent. She just doesn't seem as keen as me to spend time with him.

She's had him every day for 3 years so maybe it's just a break or a change but she complains that she doesn't see him enough yet swaps time with him for hair cuts and drinking.

I wouldn't.

Me and The Boy have a great time, we never just sit at home playing with toys, we are always busy and by the time we get home it's usually bed time.

He doesn't ask or his mother but apparently always does for me. 

She tells me he's hard work and plays up but he's no trouble with me.

I've told her that it's her attitude and approach that causes him to play up but she won't have it. She says it's my fault.

 

But back to the OP and the actual divorce......online Company seem to be progressing as they said they would. Paperwork had been pretty straightforward. My (soon to be ex) wife knows she's doing well so hasn't pushed for more. If she had and it meant her getting a load of stuff that I had built up over 20 years before meeting her then I'd be bitter.

As it is we can walk away and get on with our lives. I'm not in the slightest concerned about the money and the future is most definitely brighter than ever before.

Look for the positives. Learn from the negatives. Try not to let what she may do have any impact on you.

If you can't buy her out of the house then just let it sell and look forward to whatever comes next. Loads of ways to improve things.

 

Edd

[clangerman]

9 hours ago, Jim Neal said:

Mate it sounds like you're the better parent, in terms of from whom your child is going to benefit being with the most.  Go with it.

At his age, your life is going to be pretty restricted right now but your world will start opening up more and more once he starts school.  I'm not sure exactly what kind of shooting interests you have but there's always ways to involve a youngster, and he'll get more in to whatever you do together as he grows.  You've just got to be flexible to make it work on his terms to begin with.  It seems like forever but it takes shape soon enough, trust me.

I'm in a DIY game syndicate and share the keeping work.  My boy's almost 5 and he's about to start his 4th season with me coming round the pens in the summer feeding up etc.  The first three of those were... let's say... a bit difficult and stressful for me, but last year was a significant step change in the way he has taken to it.  OK, it took us 3 hours together to do a routine that would take me little over an hour on my own, but that's how it is.  I love the fact he comes with me and shows an interest.  I love the fact he gets excited when I say we're "going to Daddy's woods" !

You're absolutely right, kids need routine and predictability, it's so important.  Even something as simple as going to bed at the same time every night.... same routine: brush teeth, cup of milk with stories, bed.  They thrive on it and it helps minimise their stress and anxiety whilst they come to terms with what the big bad world is all about.

If his mum isn't willing to play a major role in that then, quite simply, she doesn't deserve the opportunity to share some of the most wonderful and precious times a parent can enjoy with their child.

50/50 seems like a fair deal in principle, but think deeper on it - it's maybe fair from the parents' point of view but it's most certainly not fair on the child.  It's not practical either unless you live very close to each other.  The kid has to know where home is, not get pushed from pillar to post all the time.  Some may object to this viewpoint but they have to "live" in one home and "visit" the other.  That doesn't devalue the love they receive from the parent they "visit" but it's simply a question of safeguarding the mental welfare of the child.

No kids of separated parents ever have zero negative effects.  I know that's going to make your heart bleed a little but it's the truth.  Whether the parents separated when the kid was a baby or an adult, or anywhere in between, it leaves scars.

But it's up to you to do a bit of forward thinking, long game kind of stuff, and put yourself 5, 10, 20 years down the line... how do you want it to pan out?  What's the game plan? 

The good thing about this subject is you've probably got a readily available pool of information from people who've been through it and made a hash of it, so learn from their mistakes!

If it's left down to you then grab the situationby the balls and take ownership of it.  If your ex is how she seems from what you've mentioned then she'll probably just yield to your taking control of the situation, because she's too selfish and lazy to put the work in.

You're nurturing a relationship that's going to last the rest of your life, and the time to work hard on it is now.  Go for it

that’s the best advice i seen on divorce with children setting the wrong example always reaps what it sows only a fool gambles on seeing future grand children